Skip to main content

even now

I've been reflecting lately on the idea of control. Should I curb and control my cross gender expression? but then I realize I already am. Neither N nor my children nor my extended family see Joanna which is already a form of control.
When I was very young, I would run to my mother's closet as soon as no one was home. I would take advantage of perhaps one hour of crossdressing which would make itself available to me very sporadically. With a large family like mine, I knew I had to make the best of those moments.

Despite the fact that I dress daily, there is still a parallel in that the lion's share of my time is spoken for and when I am on my own my desires take me to that same place. I don't spend all of my alone time dressed as joanna mind you, but enough to satisfy that need.

Every so often, there are still vestiges of the feeling that I had to drown this in the bathtub. I now try and put away those negative thoughts in favour of thinking that I am just being myself only dressed differently. That negative programming is so pervasive that even now I must still perform some curative cheerleading on myself; albeit much less frequently. For as time moves on I am getting better and better at dismissing that occasional negativity and it's rearing its head less and less. What I am doing is clearly working.

I could have begun a new blog with this new mindset of mine but I prefer to keep the struggle I went through here if it helps someone else. I don't often go back and read those early entries but I am always struck by how different my tone, emphasis and level of calm have changed.


Comments

  1. I have noticed the qualatative morphing of much but not all of the tone of your posts. In the early days each entry was like pulling a large sticky bandage off of an open wound slowly. The pain was evident and you could never be sure if bandage removal was undoing the healing process.
    Now the bandage is gone and healing has proceeded nicely but there are a few scabs over the wound that you still need to pick at and pull from time to time. You are moving to the point where the scabs are small and disappearing but the old wound is there and the mostly healed wound still calls out for scratching from time to time.

    Pat

    PS: I am not often one for using analogies but the evolution of your calming just seemed to lend itself to the healing wound concept. Sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  2. "Just being yourself " is such a huge step isn't it? Something civilians take for granted and we come to cherish. Only one of many revelations for us.

    xx Halle

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

"Oh please its 2016!"

I have mentioned before that I have a lovely young couple living above the unit next to mine. Well the other day as I was getting in the door, she and I overlapped for the first time with me dressed as a woman.

We had a nice conversation and at some point I mentioned the obvious which was that I had told her future husband that they might see me in a different guise from time to time so they wouldn't wonder about who the strange woman was. She just looked at me almost rolling her eyes while smiling from ear to ear and said:

"Oh Please it's 2016!"

For the record she was also very complementary regarding my choice of attire.

I could care less at this point in my life what people think but it is still lovely to see the millennial generation's freedom of spirit and acceptance so lacking in previous generations. Yes they have their own foibles, as does every generation, but this area certainly isn't one of them.

the pseudoscience behind gender dysphoria

The real science as to what causes gender dysphoria still awaits.

Harry Benjamin was on to something except he didn’t have the scientific evidence to back up his suspicions hence, like a true scientist, he negated to draw conclusions. His hunch, based on treating so many patients over his lifetime, was that one is born with a predisposition to be gender dysphoric.

However, with inconclusive brain scans and no DNA marker (as of yet) we are left with believing the word of people who need help and only want to lead happy and productive lives.

The best we have been able to muster since Benjamin's death in 1986 was to amass statistics on who gets a boner imagining themselves as a woman which is in equal parts pathetic and disappointing. For this is not really science at all but is instead playing with interview data that doesn't point to anything definitive or conclusive. I have dealt with this problem at great length in my blog.

The whole thing started with Kurt Freund's obses…

looking past cross gender arousal

Jack’s latest Crossdreamers post got me thinking about cross gender arousal and how it could be avoided; also whether it even matters. This with particular focus on the inability to relate of someone on the outside looking in.

You see, sexuality is a very complicated thing to begin with and when you then add gender identity ambiguity it becomes a recipe to really confuse someone.

So imagine that you are a little boy who identifies as a girl but then along comes puberty and short circuits everything by having the sex you identify with also be the sex you are attracted to. For in essence this is what happens to all all male to female gender dysphoric trans persons who are attracted to women.

So I ask myself: can I imagine a scenario where this inherent contradiction would not produce sexual confusion? The answer is that I cannot.

I am in the unique position, like many of you, to have experienced an early identification with the feminine become sexualized later on. This brought confusion…