Skip to main content

letting go

If you reflect on it logically, cross gender expression makes absolutely no sense. It is irrational behavior that goes against expectation. It is counterintuitive.

If you close your rational mind however, things look entirely different and from the point of view of the gender dysphoric it is validating and esteem building behaviour. The problem for many of us however is that we were viewing it from the vantage point of the outsider. From that perspective we are downright bizarre individuals.

The only way out is to marry the rational with the irrational and have them make peace with each other. The alternative is to experience gender expression deprivation anxiety which I suffered a good portion of my life. Coming out of that hole I had dug for myself took an incredible amount of mental energy which in retrospect need not have been required. Such was the spell I was under.

So while I am keeping my thinking cap on, I am also honoring the way I was made by simply doing what comes natural. My hunt for a full explanation is drawing to a close and while I will endeavor to post things here that pertain to the science of gender dysphoria, I am not hanging on the expectation that we will discover its origins in my lifetime.

I have a new perspective on things now and I simply need to continue letting go and live my life.



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

looking past cross gender arousal

Jack’s latest Crossdreamers post got me thinking about cross gender arousal and how it could be avoided; also whether it even matters. This with particular focus on the inability to relate of someone on the outside looking in.

You see, sexuality is a very complicated thing to begin with and when you then add gender identity ambiguity it becomes a recipe to really confuse someone.

So imagine that you are a little boy who identifies as a girl but then along comes puberty and short circuits everything by having the sex you identify with also be the sex you are attracted to. For in essence this is what happens to all all male to female gender dysphoric trans persons who are attracted to women.

So I ask myself: can I imagine a scenario where this inherent contradiction would not produce sexual confusion? The answer is that I cannot.

I am in the unique position, like many of you, to have experienced an early identification with the feminine become sexualized later on. This brought confusion…

understanding the erotic component

I have written about crossed wires before in two separate posts. The idea is that one cannot pass through puberty and the development of sexual feelings for females and not have your pre-existing gender dysphoria be impacted through your psychosexual development. The hormone responsible for your libido is testosterone which is present in much stronger concentration in males and is why gynephilics are most likely to experience erotic overtones as the conflict between romantic external feelings and their pull towards the feminine become permanently intertwined.

Because I came from a deeply religious family where sex was not discussed much at all, I grew up with little access to information and was very much ignorant of matters relating to the subject. With no firsthand experience in intercourse until I married I was then faced with the reality that my ability to perform sexually had been deeply impacted by my dysphoric feelings. This began years of turmoil and self-deprecating thoughts …

another coming out

Recently I had lunch with one of the young estimators who occasionally works with me here in Toronto. We were chatting about work and our respective lives when she queried about my love life:

“So how is it going on that front. Meet anyone interesting lately?”

I reflected for a moment and then said:

“My situation is a little particular and if you don’t mind I can share something about myself”

She leaned in a bit and told me to please go ahead.

“I am trans” I said matter of factly.

She looked at me and smiled and said:

“Really? That’s so neat”

She is 35 years old and a lovely person which is why I knew I could confide in her. I then added that I had been reflecting on whether I would switch companies and begin working as Joanna and although she is totally open she also knows how conservative our business can be. So I told her that if I did decide to it would definitely be under a different umbrella.

Then yesterday I was coming back to my place and the lady who rents it to me, who is abo…