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marriage and the transgendered person

To all of you who are still searching for who you are my advice is: be true to your nature while hurting no one in the process.

I know that sounds simple but it’s not because those whom you love likely will get hurt by your life conversion. If you marry without your partner knowing that you are transgender it’s going to bowl them over which is why this essential part of you should never be hidden.

Of course when I married my aim was to smother my gender issues with a reparative marital bliss but it was not to be and they surfaced again with a vengeance in my early forties.

I truly feel for those who are in relationships where they know their partner is not at all accepting. At best they want nothing to do with it and at worst they will leave. My wife and I didn’t make it but then there were other issues involved which made the relationship rocky. My disclosure 13 years into the marriage would be the final nail in the coffin.

Immediately post divorce it was difficult but now six years down the road I know that it has really been liberating for us both. We were never quite suited for each other.

Being in a relationship where this element is kept hidden is fair to neither party. You suffer in silence and suppression and she has a husband who is moody, distant and tormented because he can’t be who he is. It’s a recipe for disaster.

I am not for one minute actively advocating divorce as the best option because there are relationships that can be repaired. Sometimes the needs of the transgendered person can be met with some adjustments and all can be well over time. However, full blown suppression of one’s nature due to a refusal by their partner to accept any aspect of this new reality will see erosion of the relationship. The resentment will build on both sides and this is what happened to us.

My biggest fears have not realized and my kids are fine today. Whatever teen issues they are going through would have happened anyway and are not a directly attributable to our breakup.

I won't presume to give anyone marriage advice pertaining to this issue as each union is as unique as each person. The only thing I would say is that it would be nice to think that each partner would be respected and loved for who they are. If there is to be no transition, there should be a way to salvage the partnership and I know that some marriages survive in spite of there being one. If everything else works, some cross gender expression should not be the deciding factor.

But then I am a little biased on that front.


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