Skip to main content

marriage and the transgendered person

To all of you who are still searching for who you are my advice is: be true to your nature while hurting no one in the process.

I know that sounds simple but it’s not because those whom you love likely will get hurt by your life conversion. If you marry without your partner knowing that you are transgender it’s going to bowl them over which is why this essential part of you should never be hidden.

Of course when I married my aim was to smother my gender issues with a reparative marital bliss but it was not to be and they surfaced again with a vengeance in my early forties.

I truly feel for those who are in relationships where they know their partner is not at all accepting. At best they want nothing to do with it and at worst they will leave. My wife and I didn’t make it but then there were other issues involved which made the relationship rocky. My disclosure 13 years into the marriage would be the final nail in the coffin.

Immediately post divorce it was difficult but now six years down the road I know that it has really been liberating for us both. We were never quite suited for each other.

Being in a relationship where this element is kept hidden is fair to neither party. You suffer in silence and suppression and she has a husband who is moody, distant and tormented because he can’t be who he is. It’s a recipe for disaster.

I am not for one minute actively advocating divorce as the best option because there are relationships that can be repaired. Sometimes the needs of the transgendered person can be met with some adjustments and all can be well over time. However, full blown suppression of one’s nature due to a refusal by their partner to accept any aspect of this new reality will see erosion of the relationship. The resentment will build on both sides and this is what happened to us.

My biggest fears have not realized and my kids are fine today. Whatever teen issues they are going through would have happened anyway and are not a directly attributable to our breakup.

I won't presume to give anyone marriage advice pertaining to this issue as each union is as unique as each person. The only thing I would say is that it would be nice to think that each partner would be respected and loved for who they are. If there is to be no transition, there should be a way to salvage the partnership and I know that some marriages survive in spite of there being one. If everything else works, some cross gender expression should not be the deciding factor.

But then I am a little biased on that front.


Popular posts from this blog

another coming out

Recently I had lunch with one of the young estimators who occasionally works with me here in Toronto. We were chatting about work and our respective lives when she queried about my love life:

“So how is it going on that front. Meet anyone interesting lately?”

I reflected for a moment and then said:

“My situation is a little particular and if you don’t mind I can share something about myself”

She leaned in a bit and told me to please go ahead.

“I am trans” I said matter of factly.

She looked at me and smiled and said:

“Really? That’s so neat”

She is 35 years old and a lovely person which is why I knew I could confide in her. I then added that I had been reflecting on whether I would switch companies and begin working as Joanna and although she is totally open she also knows how conservative our business can be. So I told her that if I did decide to it would definitely be under a different umbrella.

Then yesterday I was coming back to my place and the lady who rents it to me, who is abo…

feeling sexy

Here are the results of a recent survey of genetic women:

“A new hairdo, walking in heels and a glowing tan are among the things that make a woman feel sexy. Freshly applied lipstick, newly-shaved legs and a little black dress also have a positive effect on the psyche”

Are you surprised? I’m not because it is exactly the same list that makes transgender women feel sexy.

For a long time the idea was pandered about that transsexualism was rooted exclusively in aberrant sexuality. But of course you cannot separate the sexuality from the individual because that forms part of their overall makeup and the fact that genetic and transsexual women overlap here surprises no one.

We should also add here that women aren't always thinking about sex and neither are transgender women.

Pre transition transsexuals would not readily admit they found these things sexy because they were afraid to be seen as perverted men in front of gatekeepers who understood nothing about their condition.

Today we kn…

Being transgender isn't exclusively a problem of aberrant sexuality

If being transgender were exclusively a problem of aberrant sexuality, then I would seem to be an exception to the rule.

To date I have lived my life like a choir boy and have had low libido throughout. I have yet to ever see a porn film and both my ex-wife and ex-girlfriend complained about my lack of sex drive. I also knew I was different from a very young age.

This is why the accusation that male to female transgender persons attracted to women are perverts doesn’t hold much water with me. I was mortified when I hit puberty and realized that my desire to be female had taken on sexual overtones and I ended up, like most of you, repeatedly throwing things in the bin as a repudiation. In fact, accepting that my sexuality has been permanently impacted was the hardest pill to swallow in my journey to become a fully realized transgender person.

That is why I say to those who are still concerned about what outsiders who haven’t lived your personal experience have to say about you should l…