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monday morning musings

Before I decided to discontinue seeing Helene Cote, she said something during our last session that stayed with me:

"Our group meets up again in the fall after a summer break. Everyone sees the changes that have taken place over that period which can be quite significant"

I am not paraphrasing, but she was referring to the physical changes inherent in HRT treatment process that patients are approved for after 3 months with the group. She said it matter of factly but this was the signaling factor for me to back away and avoid what could have been a temptation to follow example by group think.

I feel that this condition is somewhat like letting a genie out of a bottle. If you suppress it, the cork pops violently open with the potential for damage and rash decisions. However if you loosen the cork slowly but surely and in unison with a neasured thought process, you will come to a baseline that works for you and considers those you love and love you back.

Yesterday after church I went to have coffee with my fellow parishioner and then proceeded to the downtown core for a bit of window shopping and a stroll. After a couple of hours I ended up at a Starbucks I frequent. Casey, the young lady who served me, said to me:

"Hi there haven't seen you in a while. Your name is Julianna right?" I corrected her and then she followed up with: "you give off a lot of positive energy"

This did surprise me but then I realized that it's likely a reflection of how much more at ease I feel when presenting as Joanna and that is being carried through into my demeanor. It's also true that I give myself more freedom to interact. I find women are more adept at this and if I were to do the same thing in male mode it would be perceived differently.

I did finally cancel that trip to Ottawa. For one thing I've ended up with a cold but also I wanted to save this expense and have N and I find another weekend when we can go together. That does not mean I might not pick a weekend sometime next year and spend it en femme. But really at this point I have nothing to prove to myself.


  1. I hope you feel better and I am sorry that your planned trip to Ottawa was aborted.

    My three nights in Rochester were nice. On tuesday I drove up wearing a blue denim skirt and tank top with pantyhose, wig and makeup. For hotel check in I put shorts on over my skirt and took off my wig and earrings but my pantyhose stayed on. three nights out at different places were a treat. I did dress as a guy for the ride home since I needed to stop for a family visit.


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