Skip to main content

monday morning musings

Before I decided to discontinue seeing Helene Cote, she said something during our last session that stayed with me:

"Our group meets up again in the fall after a summer break. Everyone sees the changes that have taken place over that period which can be quite significant"

I am not paraphrasing, but she was referring to the physical changes inherent in HRT treatment process that patients are approved for after 3 months with the group. She said it matter of factly but this was the signaling factor for me to back away and avoid what could have been a temptation to follow example by group think.

I feel that this condition is somewhat like letting a genie out of a bottle. If you suppress it, the cork pops violently open with the potential for damage and rash decisions. However if you loosen the cork slowly but surely and in unison with a neasured thought process, you will come to a baseline that works for you and considers those you love and love you back.

Yesterday after church I went to have coffee with my fellow parishioner and then proceeded to the downtown core for a bit of window shopping and a stroll. After a couple of hours I ended up at a Starbucks I frequent. Casey, the young lady who served me, said to me:

"Hi there haven't seen you in a while. Your name is Julianna right?" I corrected her and then she followed up with: "you give off a lot of positive energy"

This did surprise me but then I realized that it's likely a reflection of how much more at ease I feel when presenting as Joanna and that is being carried through into my demeanor. It's also true that I give myself more freedom to interact. I find women are more adept at this and if I were to do the same thing in male mode it would be perceived differently.

I did finally cancel that trip to Ottawa. For one thing I've ended up with a cold but also I wanted to save this expense and have N and I find another weekend when we can go together. That does not mean I might not pick a weekend sometime next year and spend it en femme. But really at this point I have nothing to prove to myself.



Comments

  1. I hope you feel better and I am sorry that your planned trip to Ottawa was aborted.

    My three nights in Rochester were nice. On tuesday I drove up wearing a blue denim skirt and tank top with pantyhose, wig and makeup. For hotel check in I put shorts on over my skirt and took off my wig and earrings but my pantyhose stayed on. three nights out at different places were a treat. I did dress as a guy for the ride home since I needed to stop for a family visit.
    Pat

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

looking past cross gender arousal

Jack’s latest Crossdreamers post got me thinking about cross gender arousal and how it could be avoided; also whether it even matters. This with particular focus on the inability to relate of someone on the outside looking in.

You see, sexuality is a very complicated thing to begin with and when you then add gender identity ambiguity it becomes a recipe to really confuse someone.

So imagine that you are a little boy who identifies as a girl but then along comes puberty and short circuits everything by having the sex you identify with also be the sex you are attracted to. For in essence this is what happens to all all male to female gender dysphoric trans persons who are attracted to women.

So I ask myself: can I imagine a scenario where this inherent contradiction would not produce sexual confusion? The answer is that I cannot.

I am in the unique position, like many of you, to have experienced an early identification with the feminine become sexualized later on. This brought confusion…

understanding the erotic component

I have written about crossed wires before in two separate posts. The idea is that one cannot pass through puberty and the development of sexual feelings for females and not have your pre-existing gender dysphoria be impacted through your psychosexual development. The hormone responsible for your libido is testosterone which is present in much stronger concentration in males and is why gynephilics are most likely to experience erotic overtones as the conflict between romantic external feelings and their pull towards the feminine become permanently intertwined.

Because I came from a deeply religious family where sex was not discussed much at all, I grew up with little access to information and was very much ignorant of matters relating to the subject. With no firsthand experience in intercourse until I married I was then faced with the reality that my ability to perform sexually had been deeply impacted by my dysphoric feelings. This began years of turmoil and self-deprecating thoughts …

another coming out

Recently I had lunch with one of the young estimators who occasionally works with me here in Toronto. We were chatting about work and our respective lives when she queried about my love life:

“So how is it going on that front. Meet anyone interesting lately?”

I reflected for a moment and then said:

“My situation is a little particular and if you don’t mind I can share something about myself”

She leaned in a bit and told me to please go ahead.

“I am trans” I said matter of factly.

She looked at me and smiled and said:

“Really? That’s so neat”

She is 35 years old and a lovely person which is why I knew I could confide in her. I then added that I had been reflecting on whether I would switch companies and begin working as Joanna and although she is totally open she also knows how conservative our business can be. So I told her that if I did decide to it would definitely be under a different umbrella.

Then yesterday I was coming back to my place and the lady who rents it to me, who is abo…