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between 2007 and today

I remember waiting for my post therapy assessment after my 4 months stint at the Montreal General Hospital gender clinic. Nancy Dubois, my therapist, saw me in the waiting room as I waited to see what turned out to be three women therapists who all ran private practices, and confided later that I looked like I was carrying the world on my shoulders. If I think back I believe she wasn't far off in her assessment. After being approved for more therapy only now payable by me instead of the Quebec government, I decided to stop the process there. I remember sitting there in my dress and heels as I was being interviewed and feeling that one of the three was judging me with her rather peculiar stare. When the discussion was over I left and didn’t stay to see Dr. Assalian for my final evaluation.

I desperately didn't want to be a transsexual.

It took many more months after that coupled with N leaving for me to start putting things into some kind of focus. That period is chronicled here (sometimes rather painfully) in this blog which dates back to the summer of 2012.

Whether I am a transsexual or not is irrelevant. That is just a word like any other and holds whatever meaning you want to give it. More important is the idea that I can impart some kind of control where before I felt complete helplessness. The work of course continues daily and it requires management like anything else.

The evolution from 2007 to today is almost shocking in retrospect and yet it happened organically such that I am hard pressed to single out a major turning point.


  1. Hi Joanna,
    I’d be fascinated to know what daily work you do to manage dysphoria. You may have entries on this elsewhere in your blog. My daily work includes meditation which makes it possible to transcend all dualities such as male/female, while bringing a level of serenity. But I’m always happy to learn of other resources.
    With thanks,
    Carole Fraser

  2. Hi Carole,

    Besides writing this blog, I step out as Joanna for about an hour each evening. It grounds me and keeps my desire to transition at bay. I find this to be the best solution for me into the foreseeable, Joanna

    1. Thanks Joanna.
      I'll be very happy to do more stepping out! Once a day has not been my pattern, but it sounds good.


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