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misplaced guilt

I am very saddened when I see the amount of suffering that transgender people and their families go through. Every time I read a blog entry by someone going through hell it makes me frustrated for them because you want to tell them that it’s going to be all right. The truth however is that for many, this is not always the case and it may take years to resolve their situation.

The internal process of self discovery that we go through is so prolonged that if we knew where we would land later on we might not have made certain decisions to begin with. For example, I married someone after the death of my father from cancer who wasn’t the right match and let someone go when I was young who I am now with again. These were my decisions and my life took a certain direction because of them.

Might I have done things differently if I had been more keenly aware of what I needed to be happy at each of those stages? It’s difficult to say.

Each stage of life allows us to mine another nugget of wisdom that fosters further growth s human beings. What I am trying to do now is live more in the present; forget the past as much as possible and let the future take care of itself.

One way to help end some of our suffering is to put away needless guilt. As humans we feel guilt for just about everything but it is often misplaced and we imagine we are failing much more than we really are. Some people will even take advantage of our guilt and have us respond to their demands. I remember when I was first divorced and how easily my ex-wife would manipulate me because of my guilt. Even if she had been the one who asked for the divorce, I felt that I had done something so drastically wrong by withholding information about my transgender nature that I felt I owed her everything. I gave her all the furniture, gave her more money from the sale of the house than I needed to and so on.

Over time, I realized that much of this was due to misplaced guilt that I had been attached to all of my life because of this secret I had to live with. It was so horrible and so reprehensible that I deserved to feel guilty. I now know much better but it took time to remove and it’s the equivalent to the persistent weeds in your garden.

You just to keep at them and remove them one by one.


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No, I don't mind

When Halle and I last got together the woman serving us said:

"I can't wait to get home and take off my bra you know what I mean ladies?"

Arguably the statement wasn't the most elegant thing to say to perfect strangers but it made me reflect.

The thing is I don't mind wearing a bra because it is one more reminder that I am trans. Feeling my breast forms pressed up against my skin and cupped within the confines of my bra makes me comfortable and is another piece which contributes towards soothing my gender dysphoria.

There are days when the combination of the feel of my bra and forms, the pull of my dangly earrings and the feel of my feet in heels is a powerful combination which feeds my soul. I used to think this was me fooling myself until I finally admitted that my identity is being affirmed through these accoutrements. They are like badges that allow me to be addressed and treated in the manner I want; like a woman.

The gender identity of cis people is fed in …