Skip to main content

misplaced guilt

I am very saddened when I see the amount of suffering that transgender people and their families go through. Every time I read a blog entry by someone going through hell it makes me frustrated for them because you want to tell them that it’s going to be all right. The truth however is that for many, this is not always the case and it may take years to resolve their situation.

The internal process of self discovery that we go through is so prolonged that if we knew where we would land later on we might not have made certain decisions to begin with. For example, I married someone after the death of my father from cancer who wasn’t the right match and let someone go when I was young who I am now with again. These were my decisions and my life took a certain direction because of them.

Might I have done things differently if I had been more keenly aware of what I needed to be happy at each of those stages? It’s difficult to say.

Each stage of life allows us to mine another nugget of wisdom that fosters further growth s human beings. What I am trying to do now is live more in the present; forget the past as much as possible and let the future take care of itself.

One way to help end some of our suffering is to put away needless guilt. As humans we feel guilt for just about everything but it is often misplaced and we imagine we are failing much more than we really are. Some people will even take advantage of our guilt and have us respond to their demands. I remember when I was first divorced and how easily my ex-wife would manipulate me because of my guilt. Even if she had been the one who asked for the divorce, I felt that I had done something so drastically wrong by withholding information about my transgender nature that I felt I owed her everything. I gave her all the furniture, gave her more money from the sale of the house than I needed to and so on.

Over time, I realized that much of this was due to misplaced guilt that I had been attached to all of my life because of this secret I had to live with. It was so horrible and so reprehensible that I deserved to feel guilty. I now know much better but it took time to remove and it’s the equivalent to the persistent weeds in your garden.

You just to keep at them and remove them one by one.


Comments

Popular posts from this blog

One transgender woman's take on AGP

This entry from the transhealth website dates back to 2001 and it offers a very nice dissection of the now mostly debunked but still controversial AGP theory and how this transgender woman could care two cents about it. People who have been trying to marginalize the experience of gynephilic transwomen have pushed for the stigmatizing idea that they are actually perverted men. Well this soul, who couldn't give a hoot either way, isn't buying any of it and her frankness at times had me chuckling to myself as I read her posting. If we ever met I would give her a hug for seeing through the BS but mostly for being herself: "About a year ago I was reading on Dr. Anne Lawrence’s site about a new theory of the origin of trans called “autogynephilia.” This theory asserts that many trans women—and transsexual women in particular—desire reassignment surgery because they are eroticizing the feminization of their bodies. The first thing that struck me about it, of course, was t

epilogue

While this blog is most definitely over, I wanted to explain that part of the reason is that it was getting in the way of writing my next book called "Notes, Essays and Short Stories from the North" which will combine philosophy, trans issues, my observations on life, some short fiction and things that have happened to me over my life and continue to (both trans related and not). When it is complete I will post the news here and will be happy to send you a free copy upon request in either PDF or eBook format. All I ask is that you provide me with some feedback once you're done reading it. I'm only in the early stages so it will be a while. Be well all of you.... sample pages...

my last post

This will be my last blog post. When I wrote recently that this blog had another seven years of life in it I was trying to convince myself that it was true. It was in fact a little bit of self delusion. With almost 3,000 posts to date I have accomplished what I set out to do which was to heal myself and in the process share some of the struggle I had been through with others on the chance they might find some value in my words. After seven years of writing, my life still isn't perfect; no one's is. But I have discovered a path forward completely free of the trappings which society would have had me adopt so I could fit in. Over the last 25 years of my life I have turned over every stone I could find while exploring this topic and in the process realized that we haven't even begun to scratch the surface of this deeply complex subject. What I have ultimately learned is that my instincts have more value than what someone who isn't gender dysphoric writes about me. We