Skip to main content

my mother

I love my mother but she can be a handful. She has mellowed at 78 years of age but I remember her during my youth being a spark plug of energy and regularly used her voice and temperament to make things known. N likes to affectionately refer to her as a “chihuahua on crack”.

When I was 5 or 6 years old I was admonished for the first time for trying to wear her shoes as having two sisters immediately follow my birth meant that I spent a lot of my time surrounded by females which of course included role play. My mother doesn’t remember ever doing this of course but it became permanently imprinted in my childhood memory as a marking event.

There is now very little doubt in my mind that the combination of having a loving but slightly distant father, an outspoken mother and two sisters immediately follow behind me in the birth order, contributed to my developing a transgendered identity. If you add to that any ingredients of genetic predisposition, you pretty much guarantee that something will develop.

I was sometimes mistaken for a girl between the ages of 8 and 11 years of age and having the longish hairstyle of the 1970’s along with fine features pretty much guaranteed there would be some confusion generated for some adults. Being misgendered fascinated me and angered me deeply at the same time which pretty much encapsulates how I felt about my nature back then.

Now I am at ease with everything but I have had the luxury of digesting and processing it all over my lifetime. My mother knows I dress regularly and doesn’t care. Although she has no particular interest in seeing Joanna again she is very understanding of the condition and has come along with the rest of society in adopting a more sensitive attitude towards the transgendered.

Comments

  1. Hi again Joanne! I have to admit also finding my way over here from your recent conversation with Vivienne on Bluestocking Blue. I have recently been recollecting my mother (who passed away some time back aged 88), and the part she unwittingly played in all of this. She was also the vibrant personality in our family, expressing her opinions and setting the agenda. It's not really suprising that I might use her as my role model. I agree with you that there must be a biological or genetically-based structure on which this imprinting occurs. There is as yet no evidence for this, except that there must be many sons in families where there are dominant females that do not result in gender dysphoria. Anyway, I enjoy your blog and your expression of the sense of balance that you have achieved. I'm not quite there yet myself! Cheers, Barbara

    ReplyDelete
  2. I am happy that you enjoy my blog Barbara. I am also not too surprised to hear that your mother may have played a role in all this but I think we both agree that's not enough to create a transgender identity. It could explain the social aspect however.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

looking past cross gender arousal

Jack’s latest Crossdreamers post got me thinking about cross gender arousal and how it could be avoided; also whether it even matters. This with particular focus on the inability to relate of someone on the outside looking in.

You see, sexuality is a very complicated thing to begin with and when you then add gender identity ambiguity it becomes a recipe to really confuse someone.

So imagine that you are a little boy who identifies as a girl but then along comes puberty and short circuits everything by having the sex you identify with also be the sex you are attracted to. For in essence this is what happens to all all male to female gender dysphoric trans persons who are attracted to women.

So I ask myself: can I imagine a scenario where this inherent contradiction would not produce sexual confusion? The answer is that I cannot.

I am in the unique position, like many of you, to have experienced an early identification with the feminine become sexualized later on. This brought confusion…

understanding the erotic component

I have written about crossed wires before in two separate posts. The idea is that one cannot pass through puberty and the development of sexual feelings for females and not have your pre-existing gender dysphoria be impacted through your psychosexual development. The hormone responsible for your libido is testosterone which is present in much stronger concentration in males and is why gynephilics are most likely to experience erotic overtones as the conflict between romantic external feelings and their pull towards the feminine become permanently intertwined.

Because I came from a deeply religious family where sex was not discussed much at all, I grew up with little access to information and was very much ignorant of matters relating to the subject. With no firsthand experience in intercourse until I married I was then faced with the reality that my ability to perform sexually had been deeply impacted by my dysphoric feelings. This began years of turmoil and self-deprecating thoughts …

another coming out

Recently I had lunch with one of the young estimators who occasionally works with me here in Toronto. We were chatting about work and our respective lives when she queried about my love life:

“So how is it going on that front. Meet anyone interesting lately?”

I reflected for a moment and then said:

“My situation is a little particular and if you don’t mind I can share something about myself”

She leaned in a bit and told me to please go ahead.

“I am trans” I said matter of factly.

She looked at me and smiled and said:

“Really? That’s so neat”

She is 35 years old and a lovely person which is why I knew I could confide in her. I then added that I had been reflecting on whether I would switch companies and begin working as Joanna and although she is totally open she also knows how conservative our business can be. So I told her that if I did decide to it would definitely be under a different umbrella.

Then yesterday I was coming back to my place and the lady who rents it to me, who is abo…