I’ve had to learn to trust myself and not what my dysphoria demands of me and that has taken me years to understand. I think this is why a slow unwrapping of your psyche is what is required here. You need to let a lot of time and reflection slowly take you in a direction where you feel comfortable and stable. Rash and quick decisions are likely to work against you.
I know it is difficult to exist in a netherworld that is neither perfectly A nor B. Sometimes you want to just choose a side and be done with it but the trouble is that you don’t know whether changing camps will be any better. Here I am reminded of Third Way Trans’s blog where he talks about how he felt after his transition to female and how things were never really right for him as a woman. One transowman responded to his entries and said that her transition went all right but wasn’t necessarily the cure all she thought it would be and she counseled not to do so unless you absolutely must.
And I think that’s the rub. Make a change when you can no longer function as the gender you were born as but if you can manage it then do nothing at all. You should be in control of your own fate instead of allowing your dysphoria to decide for you.
I was reminded of this very thing when upon returning from my Sunday morning outing as Joanna, I was able to have a wonderful rest of the day with the woman I love in male mode and be perfectly happy. If I stop and think about how schizophrenic that would sound to most people it could make me despondent and want to change this model and try to be normal for everyone.
I like what Sarah Savage says in a recent entry in her blog:
“I truly believe that the whole of society is on the cusp of a gender identity revolution that will be on the scale of the sexual revolution of the sixties and seventies, more and more young people are freeing themselves from the binary handcuffs of the traditional ideas of what it means to be a man and a woman. One of the reasons which held me back from attempting to transition for so long was that I just didn’t feel that I fit into what was expected of me to be transsexual, up until a few years ago I just thought that the word queer was just another gay insult and as I have learned more about the complexities of gender theory, my own identity has evolved.
I’m not knocking the people who identify as totally male or female, it’s their right to be true to themselves and I understand the merit of medical based definitions but I can see in ten years or so words like transsexual and transgender being viewed as old fashioned and exclusionary, while the conversation about gender variant people evolving and whilst it is yet another label, it’s one whose meaning is wider and helps society to understand that the fight for acceptance and equality isn’t one of a tiny minority but something that is relevant and means something to millions of people”
What I am taking from her message is that there is nothing wrong with choosing your own place on that scale and being in between is certainly a viable option rather than choosing a side.