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won't get fooled again

Gender dysphoria can be treacherous because it can fool you into thinking that you need to change your status quo. Wouldn’t I be happier as a woman it asks? Well maybe yes and maybe no but I have seen the euphoria of the moment be displaced to reveal a more sober reality only hours later.

I’ve had to learn to trust myself and not what my dysphoria demands of me and that has taken me years to understand. I think this is why a slow unwrapping of your psyche is what is required here. You need to let a lot of time and reflection slowly take you in a direction where you feel comfortable and stable. Rash and quick decisions are likely to work against you.

I know it is difficult to exist in a netherworld that is neither perfectly A nor B. Sometimes you want to just choose a side and be done with it but the trouble is that you don’t know whether changing camps will be any better. Here I am reminded of Third Way Trans’s blog where he talks about how he felt after his transition to female and how things were never really right for him as a woman. One transowman responded to his entries and said that her transition went all right but wasn’t necessarily the cure all she thought it would be and she counseled not to do so unless you absolutely must.

And I think that’s the rub. Make a change when you can no longer function as the gender you were born as but if you can manage it then do nothing at all. You should be in control of your own fate instead of allowing your dysphoria to decide for you.

I was reminded of this very thing when upon returning from my Sunday morning outing as Joanna, I was able to have a wonderful rest of the day with the woman I love in male mode and be perfectly happy. If I stop and think about how schizophrenic that would sound to most people it could make me despondent and want to change this model and try to be normal for everyone.

I like what Sarah Savage says in a recent entry in her blog:

“I truly believe that the whole of society is on the cusp of a gender identity revolution that will be on the scale of the sexual revolution of the sixties and seventies, more and more young people are freeing themselves from the binary handcuffs of the traditional ideas of what it means to be a man and a woman. One of the reasons which held me back from attempting to transition for so long was that I just didn’t feel that I fit into what was expected of me to be transsexual, up until a few years ago I just thought that the word queer was just another gay insult and as I have learned more about the complexities of gender theory, my own identity has evolved.

I’m not knocking the people who identify as totally male or female, it’s their right to be true to themselves and I understand the merit of medical based definitions but I can see in ten years or so words like transsexual and transgender being viewed as old fashioned and exclusionary, while the conversation about gender variant people evolving and whilst it is yet another label, it’s one whose meaning is wider and helps society to understand that the fight for acceptance and equality isn’t one of a tiny minority but something that is relevant and means something to millions of people”

What I am taking from her message is that there is nothing wrong with choosing your own place on that scale and being in between is certainly a viable option rather than choosing a side.


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Recently I had lunch with one of the young estimators who occasionally works with me here in Toronto. We were chatting about work and our respective lives when she queried about my love life:

“So how is it going on that front. Meet anyone interesting lately?”

I reflected for a moment and then said:

“My situation is a little particular and if you don’t mind I can share something about myself”

She leaned in a bit and told me to please go ahead.

“I am trans” I said matter of factly.

She looked at me and smiled and said:

“Really? That’s so neat”

She is 35 years old and a lovely person which is why I knew I could confide in her. I then added that I had been reflecting on whether I would switch companies and begin working as Joanna and although she is totally open she also knows how conservative our business can be. So I told her that if I did decide to it would definitely be under a different umbrella.

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Here are the results of a recent survey of genetic women:

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Are you surprised? I’m not because it is exactly the same list that makes transgender women feel sexy.

For a long time the idea was pandered about that transsexualism was rooted exclusively in aberrant sexuality. But of course you cannot separate the sexuality from the individual because that forms part of their overall makeup and the fact that genetic and transsexual women overlap here surprises no one.

We should also add here that women aren't always thinking about sex and neither are transgender women.

Pre transition transsexuals would not readily admit they found these things sexy because they were afraid to be seen as perverted men in front of gatekeepers who understood nothing about their condition.

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Being transgender isn't exclusively a problem of aberrant sexuality

If being transgender were exclusively a problem of aberrant sexuality, then I would seem to be an exception to the rule.

To date I have lived my life like a choir boy and have had low libido throughout. I have yet to ever see a porn film and both my ex-wife and ex-girlfriend complained about my lack of sex drive. I also knew I was different from a very young age.

This is why the accusation that male to female transgender persons attracted to women are perverts doesn’t hold much water with me. I was mortified when I hit puberty and realized that my desire to be female had taken on sexual overtones and I ended up, like most of you, repeatedly throwing things in the bin as a repudiation. In fact, accepting that my sexuality has been permanently impacted was the hardest pill to swallow in my journey to become a fully realized transgender person.

That is why I say to those who are still concerned about what outsiders who haven’t lived your personal experience have to say about you should l…