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compulsion

Rewind to about 1966.

Upon receiving the message from my mother that little boys do not wear dresses my activity went underground. I would role play in my room or wait till no one was home to raid my mother’s closet. It was fun and it was my little secret.

As I got older and puberty hit I started realizing that this part of me was going to potentially be in conflict with my normal sexuality and my burgeoning interest in girls. I had begun getting inadvertent and unwelcome erections and orgasms which immediately prompted a promise to never go back to raid the wardrobe closet. I began to learn to suppress in earnest.

In my world, Roman Catholics did not ever masturbate or have premarital sex so imagine how I saw myself.

What didn’t help was that all of the information available to me about the subject was negative. "Transvestite" was a dirty word and it was associated with perversion. Entries in encyclopaedias were short and misleading and I had never heard of Harry Benjamin or of his book. Therefore my feelings about what used to be natural began to grow progressively more negative. I began to see my activity as a compulsion instead of something that was helping me bridge a gender gap in my brain. What followed for many years was behaviour patterned after short binges of indulgence followed by long periods of suppression.

No wonder I saw myself as a compulsive person. I was mirroring the behaviour of a dieter who denied himself and then reached for the cookie jar when he could no longer contain himself. This actually magnified my view of this desire as a perverse abnormality.

Once this was engrained in my psyche it took many years to undo the harm.

Now I know better and so does the clinical world which now deals with what we appropriately term gender dysphoria.

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If you feel you are doing something wrong it shows. Your demeanor, body language and facial expression all conspire to betray you.

You are a clandestine "man in a dress"; you know it and everyone else can too. Your cover has been blown. I've been there and it's frustrating. The source goes back to your self image and the notion that you are somehow a freak of nature; and perhaps you are but what of it? the only way out is to embrace yourself fully and unconditionally. I don't mean to suggest that you are perfect but just that you were created this way and you need not seek forgiveness for it. You are a creation of God.

Misinterpreted religion is a big culprit in all this. These negative images of yourself came from reinforcement of stereotypes by ignorant people interpreting what is right and moral by their own barometer. You simply ingested the message and bought it as the gospel truth. Self confidence and critical thinking is the way out of your dilemma. It can…