Skip to main content

the blame game

I think that the biggest hurdle we face is personal blame. We spend years trying to modify or eradicate feelings that are not of our making and when we inevitably fail we take full responsibility."If only I were stronger I would be able to be normal" we tell ourselves.

As a result many of us don't seek help. We don't tell our families and friends and we suffer in silence trying to use force of will against an insurmountable enemy. But gender dysphoria is far stronger and more persistent than anything we've encountered before.

We need to allow ourselves the dignity of treating our dysphoria. There is no better gift that can we give ourselves and our families because a conflicted and incapacitated individual isn't going to be able to be much of a parent or spouse. For some, treatment can mean transition but certainly not for all. This is not an all or nothing proposition and only a minority of gender dysphorics go on to GRS.

The best way to deal with gender dysphoria is to be clear headed and free of self imposed or societal taboos. If you don't remove these obstacles you won't be able to treat your condition and you will end up trying to put a bandage on a wound that requires stiches. For example, fear that a spouse will leave you because you crossdress needs to be addressed calmly and logically. How much this person loves you might also be a pertinent question to be asked here. But when we are in the throes of the blame game we don't see our side of the equation.

The other day I referenced the work of Harry Benjamin who as a result of his extensive work with gender variant people concluded that gender identity is stamped upon us at or shortly after our birth. Understanding this should help us pave the way forward to treat ourselves with respect and dignity.

I was so chock full of obstacles that I was like a clogged drain pipe. It took repeated and sustained efforts to undo them all. Part of that work involved voracious reading of all the research that was available in order to try and understand this condition. But at a certain point that also leads to an inconclusive result.

The answer lies mostly within you.

Comments

  1. Hi Joanna,
    As you say, self-acceptance is the key and “repeated and sustained efforts” are required to peel away layers of internalized moral and social judgment. The longer we have lived with denial and self-loathing, the bigger the task and the greater the freedom which will result.
    Harold Garfinkel, a social interaction theorist, has written an excellent analysis of how cisgender members of white and Eurocentric societies have set up their gender binary as the only legitimate option, seen as natural, normal and therefore morally right.
    I was born transgender. Birth is natural. So is the gender of whatever description that we are born with. Being true to our birthright is the path to wholeness.
    Thank you again for an affirming and refreshing post.
    Carole Fraser

    ReplyDelete
  2. Carole you had nothing to do with the way you were born and your instincts like mine are inherent traits of that birthright. Being true to our nature has always been an uphill battle because we swim against the current of the societies we were born into. Morality in this context does not play into the equation and yet we were conditioned to think that it does. The internalized guilt of failing to measure up needs to be removed for our own well being.

    thank you for your thoughtful comment!

    Joanna

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

looking past cross gender arousal

Jack’s latest Crossdreamers post got me thinking about cross gender arousal and how it could be avoided; also whether it even matters. This with particular focus on the inability to relate of someone on the outside looking in.

You see, sexuality is a very complicated thing to begin with and when you then add gender identity ambiguity it becomes a recipe to really confuse someone.

So imagine that you are a little boy who identifies as a girl but then along comes puberty and short circuits everything by having the sex you identify with also be the sex you are attracted to. For in essence this is what happens to all all male to female gender dysphoric trans persons who are attracted to women.

So I ask myself: can I imagine a scenario where this inherent contradiction would not produce sexual confusion? The answer is that I cannot.

I am in the unique position, like many of you, to have experienced an early identification with the feminine become sexualized later on. This brought confusion…

understanding the erotic component

I have written about crossed wires before in two separate posts. The idea is that one cannot pass through puberty and the development of sexual feelings for females and not have your pre-existing gender dysphoria be impacted through your psychosexual development. The hormone responsible for your libido is testosterone which is present in much stronger concentration in males and is why gynephilics are most likely to experience erotic overtones as the conflict between romantic external feelings and their pull towards the feminine become permanently intertwined.

Because I came from a deeply religious family where sex was not discussed much at all, I grew up with little access to information and was very much ignorant of matters relating to the subject. With no firsthand experience in intercourse until I married I was then faced with the reality that my ability to perform sexually had been deeply impacted by my dysphoric feelings. This began years of turmoil and self-deprecating thoughts …

a blending

An interesting thing is happening to me: as I have fully embraced being transgender my male and female anima are becoming blended. The female side is no longer an unwelcome appendage which, as a result, has allowed me to craft a more genuine and happier male image.

I dress when I want to and sometimes I cut outings shorter than before. I am my own master in this regard and feel in control.

Don't get me wrong in that the dysphoria is not going away and is sometimes like a wild stallion that threatens to jump the fence but I have learnt to understand it’s demands after all these years hence a transition for me is definitely not in the cards. At this point I am not even foreseeing a social one.

The two sides are no longer in conflict and they are now intertwined to create a fusion that is unique to me. That answer finally came when I reached a full level of self assurance about who I am and learned to embrace that I am trans and yes, that includes my dysphoria's erotic undertones…