Skip to main content

the blame game

I think that the biggest hurdle we face is personal blame. We spend years trying to modify or eradicate feelings that are not of our making and when we inevitably fail we take full responsibility."If only I were stronger I would be able to be normal" we tell ourselves.

As a result many of us don't seek help. We don't tell our families and friends and we suffer in silence trying to use force of will against an insurmountable enemy. But gender dysphoria is far stronger and more persistent than anything we've encountered before.

We need to allow ourselves the dignity of treating our dysphoria. There is no better gift that can we give ourselves and our families because a conflicted and incapacitated individual isn't going to be able to be much of a parent or spouse. For some, treatment can mean transition but certainly not for all. This is not an all or nothing proposition and only a minority of gender dysphorics go on to GRS.

The best way to deal with gender dysphoria is to be clear headed and free of self imposed or societal taboos. If you don't remove these obstacles you won't be able to treat your condition and you will end up trying to put a bandage on a wound that requires stiches. For example, fear that a spouse will leave you because you crossdress needs to be addressed calmly and logically. How much this person loves you might also be a pertinent question to be asked here. But when we are in the throes of the blame game we don't see our side of the equation.

The other day I referenced the work of Harry Benjamin who as a result of his extensive work with gender variant people concluded that gender identity is stamped upon us at or shortly after our birth. Understanding this should help us pave the way forward to treat ourselves with respect and dignity.

I was so chock full of obstacles that I was like a clogged drain pipe. It took repeated and sustained efforts to undo them all. Part of that work involved voracious reading of all the research that was available in order to try and understand this condition. But at a certain point that also leads to an inconclusive result.

The answer lies mostly within you.


  1. Hi Joanna,
    As you say, self-acceptance is the key and “repeated and sustained efforts” are required to peel away layers of internalized moral and social judgment. The longer we have lived with denial and self-loathing, the bigger the task and the greater the freedom which will result.
    Harold Garfinkel, a social interaction theorist, has written an excellent analysis of how cisgender members of white and Eurocentric societies have set up their gender binary as the only legitimate option, seen as natural, normal and therefore morally right.
    I was born transgender. Birth is natural. So is the gender of whatever description that we are born with. Being true to our birthright is the path to wholeness.
    Thank you again for an affirming and refreshing post.
    Carole Fraser

  2. Carole you had nothing to do with the way you were born and your instincts like mine are inherent traits of that birthright. Being true to our nature has always been an uphill battle because we swim against the current of the societies we were born into. Morality in this context does not play into the equation and yet we were conditioned to think that it does. The internalized guilt of failing to measure up needs to be removed for our own well being.

    thank you for your thoughtful comment!



Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

"Oh please its 2016!"

I have mentioned before that I have a lovely young couple living above the unit next to mine. Well the other day as I was getting in the door, she and I overlapped for the first time with me dressed as a woman.

We had a nice conversation and at some point I mentioned the obvious which was that I had told her future husband that they might see me in a different guise from time to time so they wouldn't wonder about who the strange woman was. She just looked at me almost rolling her eyes while smiling from ear to ear and said:

"Oh Please it's 2016!"

For the record she was also very complementary regarding my choice of attire.

I could care less at this point in my life what people think but it is still lovely to see the millennial generation's freedom of spirit and acceptance so lacking in previous generations. Yes they have their own foibles, as does every generation, but this area certainly isn't one of them.

the pseudoscience behind gender dysphoria

The real science as to what causes gender dysphoria still awaits.

Harry Benjamin was on to something except he didn’t have the scientific evidence to back up his suspicions hence, like a true scientist, he negated to draw conclusions. His hunch, based on treating so many patients over his lifetime, was that one is born with a predisposition to be gender dysphoric.

However, with inconclusive brain scans and no DNA marker (as of yet) we are left with believing the word of people who need help and only want to lead happy and productive lives.

The best we have been able to muster since Benjamin's death in 1986 was to amass statistics on who gets a boner imagining themselves as a woman which is in equal parts pathetic and disappointing. For this is not really science at all but is instead playing with interview data that doesn't point to anything definitive or conclusive. I have dealt with this problem at great length in my blog.

The whole thing started with Kurt Freund's obses…

looking past cross gender arousal

Jack’s latest Crossdreamers post got me thinking about cross gender arousal and how it could be avoided; also whether it even matters. This with particular focus on the inability to relate of someone on the outside looking in.

You see, sexuality is a very complicated thing to begin with and when you then add gender identity ambiguity it becomes a recipe to really confuse someone.

So imagine that you are a little boy who identifies as a girl but then along comes puberty and short circuits everything by having the sex you identify with also be the sex you are attracted to. For in essence this is what happens to all all male to female gender dysphoric trans persons who are attracted to women.

So I ask myself: can I imagine a scenario where this inherent contradiction would not produce sexual confusion? The answer is that I cannot.

I am in the unique position, like many of you, to have experienced an early identification with the feminine become sexualized later on. This brought confusion…