Skip to main content

all I've ever wanted

Now that I am completely relaxed in public as Joanna I work harder at analyzing my thought patterns. It's a kind of exercise that I couldn't do before because I was too caught up in the nervousness and mechanics of "passing". What's interesting is now that I no longer worry about that aspect, I blend in all the better and am addressed and treated as a woman almost without exception.

I now ponder on the draw of being out in the world as Joanna. The short answer is that I don't honestly know but the longer answer is far more complex than that. I know that I feel an internal peace and joy of being able to somehow partake in the world of women. It touches on a deeply rooted wish that I've possessed since earliest memory and, now that I am able to fully discard my self imposed roadblocks, I can fulfill it in my own way.

We are not allowed to feel pretty and feminine and I want to be able to. As Joanna I try to present as a feminine woman; not a caricature but an actual woman who prefers dresses to pants and heels to running shoes. I dress to blend in and have no interest in being overtly sexy or alluring. What I am interested in accessing femininity and in expressing it.

Just don't ask me why.

Last night I was at the dollar store when a couple of ladies stopped me in my tracks. The younger of the two said in French: "Madame could you help us reach this item?". Neither of them could have been taller than 5 feet and they obviously needed help which I was only too happy to provide. They were both very thankful and the older of the two, who I presumed to be the mother of the other, asked me if I was married and if my husband was as tall as I was. She then asked me my name in a lovely Mediterranean tinged French accent that I took to be of Italian origin and told me she would pray for me. I found them both very charming and we had a brief chat before parting ways.

This is the type of exchange that makes my outings just a little more special and I am thankful for them.


  1. Simply beautiful and so very affirming.

  2. recently i have explained when asked that i go out as diana doing regular errands simply to please me not to attract anyone. most people are pleasantly surprised at this comment. but as i understand myself more and more it is true i try to blend in dressing appropriately for the time of day and day of the week as diana. my days wardrobe will center around a particular artical of clothing that draws my thoughts ie a set of boots or sweater. and then i'll build the days outfit around that item. i get bumed out if i find that the only thing that works with the outfit is in the wash LOL. but in talking with GG's this seems to be how many GG's pick out the outfit for the day. i have found that gals dress for the fun of the outfit and many guys dress for the function of the outfit ie as it keeps them warm in cold weather.


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

another coming out

Recently I had lunch with one of the young estimators who occasionally works with me here in Toronto. We were chatting about work and our respective lives when she queried about my love life:

“So how is it going on that front. Meet anyone interesting lately?”

I reflected for a moment and then said:

“My situation is a little particular and if you don’t mind I can share something about myself”

She leaned in a bit and told me to please go ahead.

“I am trans” I said matter of factly.

She looked at me and smiled and said:

“Really? That’s so neat”

She is 35 years old and a lovely person which is why I knew I could confide in her. I then added that I had been reflecting on whether I would switch companies and begin working as Joanna and although she is totally open she also knows how conservative our business can be. So I told her that if I did decide to it would definitely be under a different umbrella.

Then yesterday I was coming back to my place and the lady who rents it to me, who is abo…

feeling sexy

Here are the results of a recent survey of genetic women:

“A new hairdo, walking in heels and a glowing tan are among the things that make a woman feel sexy. Freshly applied lipstick, newly-shaved legs and a little black dress also have a positive effect on the psyche”

Are you surprised? I’m not because it is exactly the same list that makes transgender women feel sexy.

For a long time the idea was pandered about that transsexualism was rooted exclusively in aberrant sexuality. But of course you cannot separate the sexuality from the individual because that forms part of their overall makeup and the fact that genetic and transsexual women overlap here surprises no one.

We should also add here that women aren't always thinking about sex and neither are transgender women.

Pre transition transsexuals would not readily admit they found these things sexy because they were afraid to be seen as perverted men in front of gatekeepers who understood nothing about their condition.

Today we kn…

Being transgender isn't exclusively a problem of aberrant sexuality

If being transgender were exclusively a problem of aberrant sexuality, then I would seem to be an exception to the rule.

To date I have lived my life like a choir boy and have had low libido throughout. I have yet to ever see a porn film and both my ex-wife and ex-girlfriend complained about my lack of sex drive. I also knew I was different from a very young age.

This is why the accusation that male to female transgender persons attracted to women are perverts doesn’t hold much water with me. I was mortified when I hit puberty and realized that my desire to be female had taken on sexual overtones and I ended up, like most of you, repeatedly throwing things in the bin as a repudiation. In fact, accepting that my sexuality has been permanently impacted was the hardest pill to swallow in my journey to become a fully realized transgender person.

That is why I say to those who are still concerned about what outsiders who haven’t lived your personal experience have to say about you should l…