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all I've ever wanted

Now that I am completely relaxed in public as Joanna I work harder at analyzing my thought patterns. It's a kind of exercise that I couldn't do before because I was too caught up in the nervousness and mechanics of "passing". What's interesting is now that I no longer worry about that aspect, I blend in all the better and am addressed and treated as a woman almost without exception.

I now ponder on the draw of being out in the world as Joanna. The short answer is that I don't honestly know but the longer answer is far more complex than that. I know that I feel an internal peace and joy of being able to somehow partake in the world of women. It touches on a deeply rooted wish that I've possessed since earliest memory and, now that I am able to fully discard my self imposed roadblocks, I can fulfill it in my own way.

We are not allowed to feel pretty and feminine and I want to be able to. As Joanna I try to present as a feminine woman; not a caricature but an actual woman who prefers dresses to pants and heels to running shoes. I dress to blend in and have no interest in being overtly sexy or alluring. What I am interested in accessing femininity and in expressing it.

Just don't ask me why.

Last night I was at the dollar store when a couple of ladies stopped me in my tracks. The younger of the two said in French: "Madame could you help us reach this item?". Neither of them could have been taller than 5 feet and they obviously needed help which I was only too happy to provide. They were both very thankful and the older of the two, who I presumed to be the mother of the other, asked me if I was married and if my husband was as tall as I was. She then asked me my name in a lovely Mediterranean tinged French accent that I took to be of Italian origin and told me she would pray for me. I found them both very charming and we had a brief chat before parting ways.

This is the type of exchange that makes my outings just a little more special and I am thankful for them.

Comments

  1. Simply beautiful and so very affirming.

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  2. recently i have explained when asked that i go out as diana doing regular errands simply to please me not to attract anyone. most people are pleasantly surprised at this comment. but as i understand myself more and more it is true i try to blend in dressing appropriately for the time of day and day of the week as diana. my days wardrobe will center around a particular artical of clothing that draws my thoughts ie a set of boots or sweater. and then i'll build the days outfit around that item. i get bumed out if i find that the only thing that works with the outfit is in the wash LOL. but in talking with GG's this seems to be how many GG's pick out the outfit for the day. i have found that gals dress for the fun of the outfit and many guys dress for the function of the outfit ie as it keeps them warm in cold weather.

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