Skip to main content

keeping the monster at bay

Living part time as Joanna is saving me. It’s keeping the transition monster at bay.

I call it a monster because it sneaks up on you when you least expect it and beckons you to mull over transition as a more desireable option to dealing with dysphoria. I know enough about this topic now not to be convinced and do not trust that inner voice. As strong as the feelings can be sometimes all I need do is feed them with some Joanna time.

I see my gender dysphoria like a little loose wire in my brain. Every once in a while it disconnects itself and has you thinking something that may not be in your best interest.

I was doing a count the other day of approximately how many people know me and accept me as a woman and it numbered over 50. These include merchants and acquaintances that I see on a semi-regular basis. Without this safety valve of mine I might be well on my way towards transition as the pressure would be too much to bear.

Janet filled that need all too well yesterday as we sat for our morning coffee after the 8:00 AM service. Afterwards I went to have breakfast with N and proceeded to have a wonderful day with her.

If someone had asked me 10 years ago if I could imagine my life like this I would have said they were insane but then here I am and it works just fine.




Comments

  1. While I understand how you feel, it seems to me, we who understand the strength of need that exists should be at the vanguard of a society that accepts that while GCS, like any surgery, should never be taken lightly, if and when it becomes the necessary and correct way to move forward, it should not be thought of as extraordinary, or hideous in any way.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Halle I do not see GCS as hideous in any way. I make only use the term monster in reference to the appetite of our dysphoria. Many have gone on to successful GCS and are happy but I am not among those who would benefit from it. In fact I think that it is more difficult for us to decide what to do than to be accepted by others.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I suppose these days I am noticing what our subconscious choice of language seems to convey.
    Can't agree more that the drive to reject the male can be quite irresistible at times.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Halle it can indeed I agree. I am fairly certain that my sometimes attraction to the idea is more of a mirage than anything else and that I can feed the female me without rejecting the male. Its the only weapon I have in my arsenal!

    ReplyDelete
  5. In the end, isn't the real goal of transformation embracing yourself, not choosing which box it fits in? Is having a "female me" and a "male me" really a powerful model, or is it just an artifact of the binary thinking of this culture that sees sex divisions as real and powerful, stronger than our own continuous common humanity?

    ReplyDelete
  6. I think that you are absolutely right Callan. Choosing to fit into the binary that does not define you properly is the problem. There is no "male you" or "female you" but there is only the authentic you that is a combination of male and female. Make your own box.

    ReplyDelete
  7. oh how i can relate my friend. i have a sneaky feeling that some of us are boarder line ts but not so much as to transition. every so often that "loose wire" you described attacks with a vengeance especially if it gets suppressed to long. and every time it happens it "pushes the envelope" a bit more. this is why i have come out to most friends family and neighbors. as for me it is easier than living in secrete and sort of helps keeps things somewhat in check.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

One transgender woman's take on AGP

This entry from the transhealth website dates back to 2001 and it offers a very nice dissection of the now mostly debunked but still controversial AGP theory and how this transgender woman could care two cents about it. People who have been trying to marginalize the experience of gynephilic transwomen have pushed for the stigmatizing idea that they are actually perverted men. Well this soul, who couldn't give a hoot either way, isn't buying any of it and her frankness at times had me chuckling to myself as I read her posting. If we ever met I would give her a hug for seeing through the BS but mostly for being herself: "About a year ago I was reading on Dr. Anne Lawrence’s site about a new theory of the origin of trans called “autogynephilia.” This theory asserts that many trans women—and transsexual women in particular—desire reassignment surgery because they are eroticizing the feminization of their bodies. The first thing that struck me about it, of course, was t

epilogue

While this blog is most definitely over, I wanted to explain that part of the reason is that it was getting in the way of writing my next book called "Notes, Essays and Short Stories from the North" which will combine philosophy, trans issues, my observations on life, some short fiction and things that have happened to me over my life and continue to (both trans related and not). When it is complete I will post the news here and will be happy to send you a free copy upon request in either PDF or eBook format. All I ask is that you provide me with some feedback once you're done reading it. I'm only in the early stages so it will be a while. Be well all of you.... sample pages...

my last post

This will be my last blog post. When I wrote recently that this blog had another seven years of life in it I was trying to convince myself that it was true. It was in fact a little bit of self delusion. With almost 3,000 posts to date I have accomplished what I set out to do which was to heal myself and in the process share some of the struggle I had been through with others on the chance they might find some value in my words. After seven years of writing, my life still isn't perfect; no one's is. But I have discovered a path forward completely free of the trappings which society would have had me adopt so I could fit in. Over the last 25 years of my life I have turned over every stone I could find while exploring this topic and in the process realized that we haven't even begun to scratch the surface of this deeply complex subject. What I have ultimately learned is that my instincts have more value than what someone who isn't gender dysphoric writes about me. We