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keeping the monster at bay

Living part time as Joanna is saving me. It’s keeping the transition monster at bay.

I call it a monster because it sneaks up on you when you least expect it and beckons you to mull over transition as a more desireable option to dealing with dysphoria. I know enough about this topic now not to be convinced and do not trust that inner voice. As strong as the feelings can be sometimes all I need do is feed them with some Joanna time.

I see my gender dysphoria like a little loose wire in my brain. Every once in a while it disconnects itself and has you thinking something that may not be in your best interest.

I was doing a count the other day of approximately how many people know me and accept me as a woman and it numbered over 50. These include merchants and acquaintances that I see on a semi-regular basis. Without this safety valve of mine I might be well on my way towards transition as the pressure would be too much to bear.

Janet filled that need all too well yesterday as we sat for our morning coffee after the 8:00 AM service. Afterwards I went to have breakfast with N and proceeded to have a wonderful day with her.

If someone had asked me 10 years ago if I could imagine my life like this I would have said they were insane but then here I am and it works just fine.




Comments

  1. While I understand how you feel, it seems to me, we who understand the strength of need that exists should be at the vanguard of a society that accepts that while GCS, like any surgery, should never be taken lightly, if and when it becomes the necessary and correct way to move forward, it should not be thought of as extraordinary, or hideous in any way.

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  2. Halle I do not see GCS as hideous in any way. I make only use the term monster in reference to the appetite of our dysphoria. Many have gone on to successful GCS and are happy but I am not among those who would benefit from it. In fact I think that it is more difficult for us to decide what to do than to be accepted by others.

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  3. I suppose these days I am noticing what our subconscious choice of language seems to convey.
    Can't agree more that the drive to reject the male can be quite irresistible at times.

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  4. Halle it can indeed I agree. I am fairly certain that my sometimes attraction to the idea is more of a mirage than anything else and that I can feed the female me without rejecting the male. Its the only weapon I have in my arsenal!

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  5. In the end, isn't the real goal of transformation embracing yourself, not choosing which box it fits in? Is having a "female me" and a "male me" really a powerful model, or is it just an artifact of the binary thinking of this culture that sees sex divisions as real and powerful, stronger than our own continuous common humanity?

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  6. I think that you are absolutely right Callan. Choosing to fit into the binary that does not define you properly is the problem. There is no "male you" or "female you" but there is only the authentic you that is a combination of male and female. Make your own box.

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  7. oh how i can relate my friend. i have a sneaky feeling that some of us are boarder line ts but not so much as to transition. every so often that "loose wire" you described attacks with a vengeance especially if it gets suppressed to long. and every time it happens it "pushes the envelope" a bit more. this is why i have come out to most friends family and neighbors. as for me it is easier than living in secrete and sort of helps keeps things somewhat in check.

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