Skip to main content

keeping the monster at bay

Living part time as Joanna is saving me. It’s keeping the transition monster at bay.

I call it a monster because it sneaks up on you when you least expect it and beckons you to mull over transition as a more desireable option to dealing with dysphoria. I know enough about this topic now not to be convinced and do not trust that inner voice. As strong as the feelings can be sometimes all I need do is feed them with some Joanna time.

I see my gender dysphoria like a little loose wire in my brain. Every once in a while it disconnects itself and has you thinking something that may not be in your best interest.

I was doing a count the other day of approximately how many people know me and accept me as a woman and it numbered over 50. These include merchants and acquaintances that I see on a semi-regular basis. Without this safety valve of mine I might be well on my way towards transition as the pressure would be too much to bear.

Janet filled that need all too well yesterday as we sat for our morning coffee after the 8:00 AM service. Afterwards I went to have breakfast with N and proceeded to have a wonderful day with her.

If someone had asked me 10 years ago if I could imagine my life like this I would have said they were insane but then here I am and it works just fine.




Comments

  1. While I understand how you feel, it seems to me, we who understand the strength of need that exists should be at the vanguard of a society that accepts that while GCS, like any surgery, should never be taken lightly, if and when it becomes the necessary and correct way to move forward, it should not be thought of as extraordinary, or hideous in any way.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Halle I do not see GCS as hideous in any way. I make only use the term monster in reference to the appetite of our dysphoria. Many have gone on to successful GCS and are happy but I am not among those who would benefit from it. In fact I think that it is more difficult for us to decide what to do than to be accepted by others.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I suppose these days I am noticing what our subconscious choice of language seems to convey.
    Can't agree more that the drive to reject the male can be quite irresistible at times.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Halle it can indeed I agree. I am fairly certain that my sometimes attraction to the idea is more of a mirage than anything else and that I can feed the female me without rejecting the male. Its the only weapon I have in my arsenal!

    ReplyDelete
  5. In the end, isn't the real goal of transformation embracing yourself, not choosing which box it fits in? Is having a "female me" and a "male me" really a powerful model, or is it just an artifact of the binary thinking of this culture that sees sex divisions as real and powerful, stronger than our own continuous common humanity?

    ReplyDelete
  6. I think that you are absolutely right Callan. Choosing to fit into the binary that does not define you properly is the problem. There is no "male you" or "female you" but there is only the authentic you that is a combination of male and female. Make your own box.

    ReplyDelete
  7. oh how i can relate my friend. i have a sneaky feeling that some of us are boarder line ts but not so much as to transition. every so often that "loose wire" you described attacks with a vengeance especially if it gets suppressed to long. and every time it happens it "pushes the envelope" a bit more. this is why i have come out to most friends family and neighbors. as for me it is easier than living in secrete and sort of helps keeps things somewhat in check.

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

looking past cross gender arousal

Jack’s latest Crossdreamers post got me thinking about cross gender arousal and how it could be avoided; also whether it even matters. This with particular focus on the inability to relate of someone on the outside looking in.

You see, sexuality is a very complicated thing to begin with and when you then add gender identity ambiguity it becomes a recipe to really confuse someone.

So imagine that you are a little boy who identifies as a girl but then along comes puberty and short circuits everything by having the sex you identify with also be the sex you are attracted to. For in essence this is what happens to all all male to female gender dysphoric trans persons who are attracted to women.

So I ask myself: can I imagine a scenario where this inherent contradiction would not produce sexual confusion? The answer is that I cannot.

I am in the unique position, like many of you, to have experienced an early identification with the feminine become sexualized later on. This brought confusion…

understanding the erotic component

I have written about crossed wires before in two separate posts. The idea is that one cannot pass through puberty and the development of sexual feelings for females and not have your pre-existing gender dysphoria be impacted through your psychosexual development. The hormone responsible for your libido is testosterone which is present in much stronger concentration in males and is why gynephilics are most likely to experience erotic overtones as the conflict between romantic external feelings and their pull towards the feminine become permanently intertwined.

Because I came from a deeply religious family where sex was not discussed much at all, I grew up with little access to information and was very much ignorant of matters relating to the subject. With no firsthand experience in intercourse until I married I was then faced with the reality that my ability to perform sexually had been deeply impacted by my dysphoric feelings. This began years of turmoil and self-deprecating thoughts …

another coming out

Recently I had lunch with one of the young estimators who occasionally works with me here in Toronto. We were chatting about work and our respective lives when she queried about my love life:

“So how is it going on that front. Meet anyone interesting lately?”

I reflected for a moment and then said:

“My situation is a little particular and if you don’t mind I can share something about myself”

She leaned in a bit and told me to please go ahead.

“I am trans” I said matter of factly.

She looked at me and smiled and said:

“Really? That’s so neat”

She is 35 years old and a lovely person which is why I knew I could confide in her. I then added that I had been reflecting on whether I would switch companies and begin working as Joanna and although she is totally open she also knows how conservative our business can be. So I told her that if I did decide to it would definitely be under a different umbrella.

Then yesterday I was coming back to my place and the lady who rents it to me, who is abo…