Skip to main content

epilogue

I wasn’t going to write anything here ever again because I didn’t feel I needed to. I don’t think I’ve ever felt better about my identity and feeling right in my own skin. It’s gotten even better than when I wrote my last blog post.

I have been still reading and looking at some of the posts from others and am glad for many of them as I can see they are mostly happy even if they might still be searching.

I don’t worry about my gender or what I am supposed to do anymore; I simply do what feels right. For now that means living my life in both gender roles and in neither because I have completely removed myself from the expectations that I thought I should be fulfilling. I have endeavoured instead to make myself happy and in return allowed those who depend on me and love me see a more relaxed and content person.

I maintain that the key to all this is to just be yourself. Be the person you were meant to because no one has a right to define that for you. You were given the ability to discern and make choices that fit the image you have of yourself; the image you wish to portray to the world.

Life is fleeting and so short and most of us only find out what its all about in our later years. Don’t wait to be the person you were meant to only at the end. No matter where you think you lie on the gender spectrum there is no right or wrong answer but simply YOUR answer. It’s probably going to be the right one too.

That friend of mine finally succumbed to his pancreatic cancer at age 58 and I have been thinking of him often. His passing has inspired to live an even more honest life.

Love the person you are inside and out and you will find peace.

Comments

  1. Joanna,
    It is always nice to see you add another post to the blogosphere. You have a good way of using words to express emotions and events.
    I am so happy that you have found a peace and a form of gender equilibrium. You are a good soul and that should be evident to all that you meet.
    Please do not be a total stranger to the cyberworld.
    Pat

    ReplyDelete
  2. Lovely to hear from you! I'm glad you are doing well. It took me half a century to come to terms with my place within the gender spectrum (fine tuning is still going on and will probably never end).
    I will not say I was unhappy all my life, far from it, but I have always known something was a miss but could not put a finger on it until a year ago when Abigale learnt to fly. From this new perspective I recognised that I had answered some deep underlying questions I didn’t know I had asked myself!
    I have no regrets that it took so long (ok, a few). I’m more content with who I am in this last year than ever before. This contentment comes from being able to express a side of me that has until now been mainly dormant apart from the odd outbreak. The blog helps me coordinate my thoughts and with daily contact with new found friends around the world I can interact and show and discuss my feelings without being ridiculed and/or misunderstood.
    I am glad you are happy and content with your true nature. This inner peace reflects outwards and benefits you and your love ones.
    I hope we can all one day reach this goal.
    All the best Joanna
    Abigale

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

looking past cross gender arousal

Jack’s latest Crossdreamers post got me thinking about cross gender arousal and how it could be avoided; also whether it even matters. This with particular focus on the inability to relate of someone on the outside looking in.

You see, sexuality is a very complicated thing to begin with and when you then add gender identity ambiguity it becomes a recipe to really confuse someone.

So imagine that you are a little boy who identifies as a girl but then along comes puberty and short circuits everything by having the sex you identify with also be the sex you are attracted to. For in essence this is what happens to all all male to female gender dysphoric trans persons who are attracted to women.

So I ask myself: can I imagine a scenario where this inherent contradiction would not produce sexual confusion? The answer is that I cannot.

I am in the unique position, like many of you, to have experienced an early identification with the feminine become sexualized later on. This brought confusion…

understanding the erotic component

I have written about crossed wires before in two separate posts. The idea is that one cannot pass through puberty and the development of sexual feelings for females and not have your pre-existing gender dysphoria be impacted through your psychosexual development. The hormone responsible for your libido is testosterone which is present in much stronger concentration in males and is why gynephilics are most likely to experience erotic overtones as the conflict between romantic external feelings and their pull towards the feminine become permanently intertwined.

Because I came from a deeply religious family where sex was not discussed much at all, I grew up with little access to information and was very much ignorant of matters relating to the subject. With no firsthand experience in intercourse until I married I was then faced with the reality that my ability to perform sexually had been deeply impacted by my dysphoric feelings. This began years of turmoil and self-deprecating thoughts …

a blending

An interesting thing is happening to me: as I have fully embraced being transgender my male and female anima are becoming blended. The female side is no longer an unwelcome appendage which, as a result, has allowed me to craft a more genuine and happier male image.

I dress when I want to and sometimes I cut outings shorter than before. I am my own master in this regard and feel in control.

Don't get me wrong in that the dysphoria is not going away and is sometimes like a wild stallion that threatens to jump the fence but I have learnt to understand it’s demands after all these years hence a transition for me is definitely not in the cards. At this point I am not even foreseeing a social one.

The two sides are no longer in conflict and they are now intertwined to create a fusion that is unique to me. That answer finally came when I reached a full level of self assurance about who I am and learned to embrace that I am trans and yes, that includes my dysphoria's erotic undertones…