I've had to teach myself to be a transgender person. It's been like a second puberty for me.
After so many decades of fighting it feels good to embrace who I am but it has taken a while to work out the kinks and it's been a bit like using muscles that were left to atrophy from disuse. So much has changed inside and yet its happened so slowly I almost didn't realize just how massive its been. The transition from feeling I was letting everyone down to accepting that I can be myself and still meet my parental role and be a partner to N has been like jumping the grand canyon but in slow and painfully drawn out slow motion.
I thought I would leave this blog behind after that but no I still have things to say, albeit with less urgency. I no longer need to write but still feel I want to. I am still fascinated by the science (or lack thereof) and on the social changes that are happening all around me almost daily.
The world that I knew as a young teen has disappeared and has been replaced by one that is entirely different. That change has been for the better and for the worse but then this is the way the world has always worked. Things don't always happen smoothly but rather in jagged and uneven spurts after what seems like an eternal wait for something to happen.
The person that I was 10 years ago is gone. That person: full of fear, apprehension and fixed and unflinching ideas about how life waw supposed to work has finally learned their lesson. Not everything can be controlled and sometimes our creator throws us a curve ball that we need to grapple with; sometimes it takes the form of a physical deformity, lost limb, chronic depression, tragic loss or even gender dysphoria. These are the types of challenges that people face every day and our greatest triumph is to deal with them with dignity and resolve with the fringe benefit of helping others to surmount theirs.
After so many decades of fighting it feels good to embrace who I am but it has taken a while to work out the kinks and it's been a bit like using muscles that were left to atrophy from disuse. So much has changed inside and yet its happened so slowly I almost didn't realize just how massive its been. The transition from feeling I was letting everyone down to accepting that I can be myself and still meet my parental role and be a partner to N has been like jumping the grand canyon but in slow and painfully drawn out slow motion.
I thought I would leave this blog behind after that but no I still have things to say, albeit with less urgency. I no longer need to write but still feel I want to. I am still fascinated by the science (or lack thereof) and on the social changes that are happening all around me almost daily.
The world that I knew as a young teen has disappeared and has been replaced by one that is entirely different. That change has been for the better and for the worse but then this is the way the world has always worked. Things don't always happen smoothly but rather in jagged and uneven spurts after what seems like an eternal wait for something to happen.
The person that I was 10 years ago is gone. That person: full of fear, apprehension and fixed and unflinching ideas about how life waw supposed to work has finally learned their lesson. Not everything can be controlled and sometimes our creator throws us a curve ball that we need to grapple with; sometimes it takes the form of a physical deformity, lost limb, chronic depression, tragic loss or even gender dysphoria. These are the types of challenges that people face every day and our greatest triumph is to deal with them with dignity and resolve with the fringe benefit of helping others to surmount theirs.
I am glad that you are back at the keyboard sharing your insights.
ReplyDeletePat
My pleasure Pat
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