“The trans activist and philosopher Julia Serano refers to a subconscious sex which has been repressed throughout a misogynistic, homophobic and transphobic upbringing. Dr. Jaimie Veale argues that many crossdreamers start out as introvert people pleasers, who are willing to do anything to gain the respect and love of family, friends and peers -- to the point of completely obliterating their gender variance. This is a reaction similar to the total denial found among some gays and lesbians. The sex drive is strong, though, and it pushes its way through into dreams and fantasies.
The difference between crossdreamers and non-crossdreaming transgender, or between "late onset" and "early onset" transsexuals, is therefore not primarily about sexual orientation, but about personality traits and temperament.
As a shy kid I managed to completely separate my crossdreamer fantasies from my understanding of myself as a non-transgender straight man. I interpreted my gender dysphoria as anxiety and depression caused by other factors. The fear of being considered a freak was so strong that I found it hard to approach women”
This paragraph really struck me because it described my own temperament and challenges with pairing up with a woman. I wanted to desperately fit in and be normal and to make sure I didn’t stand out.
Had I continued to do live that way to this day it would have killed me. I was also reminded that we are never too old to start living authentic lives.