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Undoing the damage

If gender variance is just another anomaly among the miriad found in nature then many of us have suppressed ours at the expense of our well being and happiness.

Think about it.

If left to your own devices and with no intervention, your gender expression would have been based from the start on whatever made you comfortable. It was only when you were interfered with that your dysphoria had its true origins. A situation that need not have existed if you had been permitted to simply behave as you wished.

The erratic purge cycle that many of us went through was our earnest attempt to conform to the dictates of our society. This self imposed torture produced the effect of having us think we were mentally unstable for doing something which for us was perfectly natural. Yet we believed that we were weak for succumbing to behaviour we were taught to believe was aberrant.

The more you invested energy fighting your own natural impulses and failed, the more you thought that you were a lost cause and with time some of us sank slowly into despair.

Those of who were strong enough to ignore the pressure to conform were able to avoid this schizophrenic cycle. In my generation these people were the rare exception because we grew up in a rigid binary. Unfortunately they suffered the direct rejection that comes with outright rebellion.

So in essence we've had a hand in prolonging our own dysphoria by using denial as the weapon of choice.

But then all those years of self control can behave like a coiled spring and if we aren't careful we can suddenly jump into something we're not ready for. I am not suggesting by any means that this applies to all of us by the way.

My own slow and organic process of self acceptance took about 8 years. During this time I was able to experiment with my gender expression and see what worked best. I went through a questioning period and considered transition but then realized I didn't require it to be happy.

We spend all those decades weaving a narrative that allows us to fit in to society and it shouldn't surprise us that it takes another bunch to discover who we really are underneath.


Comments

  1. I sometimes quip that I am having the world's slowest coming out as a CD. I have been slowly expanding the envelop for 60 years. I nevertheless see myself as a fairly well adjusted person. I like my guy side and my guy job and guy friends and I love my wife and family. At this point I see my being CD as an enhancement to my life.
    I find little benefit if looking back to find damage. I tend to adopt the old saying by Art Rust Jr. that "Yesterday is a cancelled check...tomorrow is a promissory note...today is the only time that matters...spend it wisely."

    Pat

    ReplyDelete
  2. I am glad that you are so well adjusted Pat! thanks for your feedback

    ReplyDelete

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