Skip to main content

Undoing the damage

If gender variance is just another anomaly among the miriad found in nature then many of us have suppressed ours at the expense of our well being and happiness.

Think about it.

If left to your own devices and with no intervention, your gender expression would have been based from the start on whatever made you comfortable. It was only when you were interfered with that your dysphoria had its true origins. A situation that need not have existed if you had been permitted to simply behave as you wished.

The erratic purge cycle that many of us went through was our earnest attempt to conform to the dictates of our society. This self imposed torture produced the effect of having us think we were mentally unstable for doing something which for us was perfectly natural. Yet we believed that we were weak for succumbing to behaviour we were taught to believe was aberrant.

The more you invested energy fighting your own natural impulses and failed, the more you thought that you were a lost cause and with time some of us sank slowly into despair.

Those of who were strong enough to ignore the pressure to conform were able to avoid this schizophrenic cycle. In my generation these people were the rare exception because we grew up in a rigid binary. Unfortunately they suffered the direct rejection that comes with outright rebellion.

So in essence we've had a hand in prolonging our own dysphoria by using denial as the weapon of choice.

But then all those years of self control can behave like a coiled spring and if we aren't careful we can suddenly jump into something we're not ready for. I am not suggesting by any means that this applies to all of us by the way.

My own slow and organic process of self acceptance took about 8 years. During this time I was able to experiment with my gender expression and see what worked best. I went through a questioning period and considered transition but then realized I didn't require it to be happy.

We spend all those decades weaving a narrative that allows us to fit in to society and it shouldn't surprise us that it takes another bunch to discover who we really are underneath.


Comments

  1. I sometimes quip that I am having the world's slowest coming out as a CD. I have been slowly expanding the envelop for 60 years. I nevertheless see myself as a fairly well adjusted person. I like my guy side and my guy job and guy friends and I love my wife and family. At this point I see my being CD as an enhancement to my life.
    I find little benefit if looking back to find damage. I tend to adopt the old saying by Art Rust Jr. that "Yesterday is a cancelled check...tomorrow is a promissory note...today is the only time that matters...spend it wisely."

    Pat

    ReplyDelete
  2. I am glad that you are so well adjusted Pat! thanks for your feedback

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

One transgender woman's take on AGP

This entry from the transhealth website dates back to 2001 and it offers a very nice dissection of the now mostly debunked but still controversial AGP theory and how this transgender woman could care two cents about it. People who have been trying to marginalize the experience of gynephilic transwomen have pushed for the stigmatizing idea that they are actually perverted men. Well this soul, who couldn't give a hoot either way, isn't buying any of it and her frankness at times had me chuckling to myself as I read her posting. If we ever met I would give her a hug for seeing through the BS but mostly for being herself: "About a year ago I was reading on Dr. Anne Lawrence’s site about a new theory of the origin of trans called “autogynephilia.” This theory asserts that many trans women—and transsexual women in particular—desire reassignment surgery because they are eroticizing the feminization of their bodies. The first thing that struck me about it, of course, was t

epilogue

While this blog is most definitely over, I wanted to explain that part of the reason is that it was getting in the way of writing my next book called "Notes, Essays and Short Stories from the North" which will combine philosophy, trans issues, my observations on life, some short fiction and things that have happened to me over my life and continue to (both trans related and not). When it is complete I will post the news here and will be happy to send you a free copy upon request in either PDF or eBook format. All I ask is that you provide me with some feedback once you're done reading it. I'm only in the early stages so it will be a while. Be well all of you.... sample pages...

my last post

This will be my last blog post. When I wrote recently that this blog had another seven years of life in it I was trying to convince myself that it was true. It was in fact a little bit of self delusion. With almost 3,000 posts to date I have accomplished what I set out to do which was to heal myself and in the process share some of the struggle I had been through with others on the chance they might find some value in my words. After seven years of writing, my life still isn't perfect; no one's is. But I have discovered a path forward completely free of the trappings which society would have had me adopt so I could fit in. Over the last 25 years of my life I have turned over every stone I could find while exploring this topic and in the process realized that we haven't even begun to scratch the surface of this deeply complex subject. What I have ultimately learned is that my instincts have more value than what someone who isn't gender dysphoric writes about me. We