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dying of embarrassment

I remember experiencing a great deal of embarassment over being gender dysphoric.

My recovery from this embarassment happened in little steps rather than noticable jumps. I worked at questioning and examining my own internal prejudices which were conspiring to delay my advancement as a human being.

We are endowed with many gifts as well as some challenges in this life and I think the secret is to make the best of everything you are facing rather than ignoring the difficult aspects of our lives. We can find enrichment when we face things head on and with absolute honesty. The challenge becomes separating social myth from reality which is often the toughest part.

I remember vividly watching the Carol Burnett show in 1971 (I was 9) and seeing Jim Bailey perform as Peggy Lee. The profound embarassment I felt coupled with the understanding that I was drawn to the idea of being in that dress made me bolt from the room. I dared not show my family any hint of an expression that would betray me. That profound unease did not fully leave me until just a few years ago; it was that much engrained in my psyche. I would have done anything to eradicate my dysphoria.

Self acceptance, however, has not meant that I throw away an entire life I have built but rather allowing myself to embrace something which I previously rejected.

Whether others like it or not you are transgender and you deserve to be okay with that.

Now in retrospect, I am hard pressed to remember what exactly was so embarrassing.


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