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going with the flow

I’d like for things to flow better now that I am in my fifties.

My father only made to 60 before succumbing to lung cancer and a close colleague of mine died of pancreatic cancer at 58 a number of months back. Both are on my mind these days.

It’s taken me so many years to come to terms with something that wasn’t supposed to happen to me. I spent decades asking the “why me” question and fighting my own brain. It took its toll but it did not sink me.

Life is indeed short and fleeting. A funny analogy might be the roll of toilet paper; at the start it barely moves but at the end it goes faster and faster. This is how life feels to me now.

I have gained a philosophical view of the world that I did not possess when I was younger. It’s like I see through events and understand them much faster. I don’t waste energy on things that make no sense and look for the grain of truth instead. No sense swimming upstream when you can ride the rapids with a bit of intelligent maneuvering.

This is what I try to do now.

Human behavior seems stranger than ever if only because things that I used to take for granted as being a natural part of this world I now understand to be irrational and even stupid. We as a species do things that make little sense perhaps as a way to avoid our mortality. If we keep our minds busy with frivolous things, perhaps we can distract ourselves from the inevitable countdown.

I don’t think this way to be morose but rather as a way to keep myself grounded. It’s like the person who has been diagnosed with terminal cancer appreciates the little things that much more.

I remember driving my father up north during his last months of life. The fall colours were in full display and his expression as he looked out the window of the car at the scenery is an image I will never forget.


  1. Finding a way to move past this thing that isn't supposed to happen to anyone is a big part of growing older gracefully. I fully believe that to be true for anyone who would like to grow old gracefully. It is about love for self and then loving others in that same way.

  2. you are not wrong in saying this Halle. After a while we realize there must be a reason for it and you incorporate it into your personhood. Fighting who you are doesn't get us anywhere and I certainly hope I can grow old gracefully with it in tow.

  3. The incorporation process is a better way of saying love yourself perhaps? We are definitely on the same page Joanna.

  4. incorporation process is a good way to look at it Halle. Its been a long haul getting there and looking back maybe it had to be in order to learn something about myself.


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