Skip to main content

going with the flow

I’d like for things to flow better now that I am in my fifties.

My father only made to 60 before succumbing to lung cancer and a close colleague of mine died of pancreatic cancer at 58 a number of months back. Both are on my mind these days.

It’s taken me so many years to come to terms with something that wasn’t supposed to happen to me. I spent decades asking the “why me” question and fighting my own brain. It took its toll but it did not sink me.

Life is indeed short and fleeting. A funny analogy might be the roll of toilet paper; at the start it barely moves but at the end it goes faster and faster. This is how life feels to me now.

I have gained a philosophical view of the world that I did not possess when I was younger. It’s like I see through events and understand them much faster. I don’t waste energy on things that make no sense and look for the grain of truth instead. No sense swimming upstream when you can ride the rapids with a bit of intelligent maneuvering.

This is what I try to do now.

Human behavior seems stranger than ever if only because things that I used to take for granted as being a natural part of this world I now understand to be irrational and even stupid. We as a species do things that make little sense perhaps as a way to avoid our mortality. If we keep our minds busy with frivolous things, perhaps we can distract ourselves from the inevitable countdown.

I don’t think this way to be morose but rather as a way to keep myself grounded. It’s like the person who has been diagnosed with terminal cancer appreciates the little things that much more.

I remember driving my father up north during his last months of life. The fall colours were in full display and his expression as he looked out the window of the car at the scenery is an image I will never forget.


  1. Finding a way to move past this thing that isn't supposed to happen to anyone is a big part of growing older gracefully. I fully believe that to be true for anyone who would like to grow old gracefully. It is about love for self and then loving others in that same way.

  2. you are not wrong in saying this Halle. After a while we realize there must be a reason for it and you incorporate it into your personhood. Fighting who you are doesn't get us anywhere and I certainly hope I can grow old gracefully with it in tow.

  3. The incorporation process is a better way of saying love yourself perhaps? We are definitely on the same page Joanna.

  4. incorporation process is a good way to look at it Halle. Its been a long haul getting there and looking back maybe it had to be in order to learn something about myself.


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

looking past cross gender arousal

Jack’s latest Crossdreamers post got me thinking about cross gender arousal and how it could be avoided; also whether it even matters. This with particular focus on the inability to relate of someone on the outside looking in.

You see, sexuality is a very complicated thing to begin with and when you then add gender identity ambiguity it becomes a recipe to really confuse someone.

So imagine that you are a little boy who identifies as a girl but then along comes puberty and short circuits everything by having the sex you identify with also be the sex you are attracted to. For in essence this is what happens to all all male to female gender dysphoric trans persons who are attracted to women.

So I ask myself: can I imagine a scenario where this inherent contradiction would not produce sexual confusion? The answer is that I cannot.

I am in the unique position, like many of you, to have experienced an early identification with the feminine become sexualized later on. This brought confusion…

understanding the erotic component

I have written about crossed wires before in two separate posts. The idea is that one cannot pass through puberty and the development of sexual feelings for females and not have your pre-existing gender dysphoria be impacted through your psychosexual development. The hormone responsible for your libido is testosterone which is present in much stronger concentration in males and is why gynephilics are most likely to experience erotic overtones as the conflict between romantic external feelings and their pull towards the feminine become permanently intertwined.

Because I came from a deeply religious family where sex was not discussed much at all, I grew up with little access to information and was very much ignorant of matters relating to the subject. With no firsthand experience in intercourse until I married I was then faced with the reality that my ability to perform sexually had been deeply impacted by my dysphoric feelings. This began years of turmoil and self-deprecating thoughts …

a blending

An interesting thing is happening to me: as I have fully embraced being transgender my male and female anima are becoming blended. The female side is no longer an unwelcome appendage which, as a result, has allowed me to craft a more genuine and happier male image.

I dress when I want to and sometimes I cut outings shorter than before. I am my own master in this regard and feel in control.

Don't get me wrong in that the dysphoria is not going away and is sometimes like a wild stallion that threatens to jump the fence but I have learnt to understand it’s demands after all these years hence a transition for me is definitely not in the cards. At this point I am not even foreseeing a social one.

The two sides are no longer in conflict and they are now intertwined to create a fusion that is unique to me. That answer finally came when I reached a full level of self assurance about who I am and learned to embrace that I am trans and yes, that includes my dysphoria's erotic undertones…