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I have always believed that a transgender person has to make a compromise in suppressing a part of who they were in order to be in a relationship and I still think this applies in the great majority of cases. I am of course more specifically referring to the woman-loving male to female variety.

Some rare couples buck the trend and what I surmise is that the woman was able to get past the external wrapping and look at the person underneath. To be frank I don’t think I could do it myself so I am in awe of those who can do this. It must take a huge adjustment and I am certain it’s not like flipping a switch in the brain.

Some of you are in the throes of this sensitive adjustment period right now while others don’t even dare to broach the subject with their spouse for fear of outright rejection. I don’t presume to advise anyone here.

What I do know is that suppression for you as a dysphoric does not lead to a good outcome. I mentioned recently that the ageing process tends to liberate you and removes the social barriers that held you back. When this happens you are more than likely going to want to act on years of keeping things bottled inside.

I feel terrible for spouses because in our attempts to stem the tide that is our dysphoria, we are actually doing them a disservice. Better to come out and tell it like it is. But we were raised during a time when being our true selves was not an option so we came to genuinely believe that we could to win over our dysphoria. We couldn't have been more wrong.

My ex-spouse and I are on better terms today and we can communicate about our kids in a pragmatic way without arguing. It wasn’t that long ago that we couldn’t be in the same room for more than a few minutes at a time. I would like if she could find someone to make her happy one day especially since our two are getting older and more independent.

When I reflect back I think I gave her a stable life but in some ways she was sharing it with a complete stranger.


  1. The longer I live the more I realize just how messy life is. However, I have little patience with individuals who are so self-centered that they can dismiss their reckless behavior with a flippant, "You can't make scrambled eggs without breaking a few eggs." Based upon what I have read of your writings, that is not you. Have you caused pain by your change in the course of your life? I would think the simple answer is yes you have. There is no getting away from that. However, the mess you have created has more in common with the mess of a building site than with vandalism. You are rebuilding your life in a new direction. Perhaps in time those whom you love and even your former spouse will see the long term value of the temporary mess.


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