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a negative personal narrative

Internalized shame and hatred can do a lot of harm. I was thinking about this just yesterday when I pondered about people who transition but then seem to not see themselves as women at all.

I was reading a paper written by a transwoman named Margaret McGee regarding her own views on Autogynephilia. She had joined a chat group dealing with the subject where she found that a significant number of the members saw themselves as failed men rather than as transgender women. The group was moderated by none other than Anne Lawrence who views herself as a man driven to transition because of a fetish. Right around 1999, Lawrence read the work of Ray Blanchard and it struck a chord with her.

The fact is that we know very little about transsexualism so personal narrative serves as a very strong driver to explain why we are this way. If you find an explanation that resonates you will likely go with it regardless of its provability.

When I was in my worst moments, thinking I might be driven by some sort of fetish depressed me no end. So I know all too well what that feeling is like but the thing is: it’s certainly not a reinforcing narrative.

Christine McGee did not agree with others in the group and finally left it. She instead bought into the idea that she had a core female gender identity and, although she had experiences arousal, chalked it up to being part of the dysphoric feelings but not the cause of the dysphoria itself.

What must life be like then for people who transition and see it as a compulsion; something they had to do but not because they bought into the feminine essence narrative? Well it can’t be very good.

I can see why people who feel this way could be persuaded to cling to unprovable assertions of psychologists. It amounts to a kind of internalized transphobia.

If no one has any proof of where transsexualism comes from why subscribe to an explanation that puts blame on yourself? It may be because you think you may have erred or because you don’t quite feel like a woman at your core.

I found myself agreeing with much of what Christine said in her paper which can be found here.


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