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a negative personal narrative

Internalized shame and hatred can do a lot of harm. I was thinking about this just yesterday when I pondered about people who transition but then seem to not see themselves as women at all.

I was reading a paper written by a transwoman named Margaret McGee regarding her own views on Autogynephilia. She had joined a chat group dealing with the subject where she found that a significant number of the members saw themselves as failed men rather than as transgender women. The group was moderated by none other than Anne Lawrence who views herself as a man driven to transition because of a fetish. Right around 1999, Lawrence read the work of Ray Blanchard and it struck a chord with her.

The fact is that we know very little about transsexualism so personal narrative serves as a very strong driver to explain why we are this way. If you find an explanation that resonates you will likely go with it regardless of its provability.

When I was in my worst moments, thinking I might be driven by some sort of fetish depressed me no end. So I know all too well what that feeling is like but the thing is: it’s certainly not a reinforcing narrative.

Christine McGee did not agree with others in the group and finally left it. She instead bought into the idea that she had a core female gender identity and, although she had experiences arousal, chalked it up to being part of the dysphoric feelings but not the cause of the dysphoria itself.

What must life be like then for people who transition and see it as a compulsion; something they had to do but not because they bought into the feminine essence narrative? Well it can’t be very good.

I can see why people who feel this way could be persuaded to cling to unprovable assertions of psychologists. It amounts to a kind of internalized transphobia.

If no one has any proof of where transsexualism comes from why subscribe to an explanation that puts blame on yourself? It may be because you think you may have erred or because you don’t quite feel like a woman at your core.

I found myself agreeing with much of what Christine said in her paper which can be found here.


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Are you surprised? I’m not because it is exactly the same list that makes transgender women feel sexy.

For a long time the idea was pandered about that transsexualism was rooted exclusively in aberrant sexuality. But of course you cannot separate the sexuality from the individual because that forms part of their overall makeup and the fact that genetic and transsexual women overlap here surprises no one.

We should also add here that women aren't always thinking about sex and neither are transgender women.

Pre transition transsexuals would not readily admit they found these things sexy because they were afraid to be seen as perverted men in front of gatekeepers who understood nothing about their condition.

Today we kn…

Being transgender isn't exclusively a problem of aberrant sexuality

If being transgender were exclusively a problem of aberrant sexuality, then I would seem to be an exception to the rule.

To date I have lived my life like a choir boy and have had low libido throughout. I have yet to ever see a porn film and both my ex-wife and ex-girlfriend complained about my lack of sex drive. I also knew I was different from a very young age.

This is why the accusation that male to female transgender persons attracted to women are perverts doesn’t hold much water with me. I was mortified when I hit puberty and realized that my desire to be female had taken on sexual overtones and I ended up, like most of you, repeatedly throwing things in the bin as a repudiation. In fact, accepting that my sexuality has been permanently impacted was the hardest pill to swallow in my journey to become a fully realized transgender person.

That is why I say to those who are still concerned about what outsiders who haven’t lived your personal experience have to say about you should l…