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a new level of zen

I can no longer relate to what made my outings so stress inducing for so long. Yes there was an exhalation present (almost as if I were trying to get away with something) and I sweated every little detail right down to which entrance to a mall I would use. Beginning crossdressers can relate to what I am saying in that fear of discovery becomes something which is literally unthinkable.

So much has changed since then.

It's now comfortable and natural to go out as Joanna that I feel as relaxed as when I am in male mode. It simply has become part of my everyday life and I don't give it a second thought. Eliminating those nerves has been so welcome and I think I have succeeded in merging my two animas into one person.

As time has progressed the clothing has become less and less important. It's as if I had to go through a teenage period only to eventually grow up and have it be more about expressing a complete person rather than a caricature. I dress age and occasion appropriate which is something I could not recommended more highly. The idea is not to stand out but to blend seamlessly into my surroundings and go about my business.

I spoke the other day about transgender phases and I think I am now in that comfortable phase where everything flows without needing to over think or analyze my physical appearance. It's become so much more about the feelings and the peace of mind that I have always sought.


Comments

  1. From my first visit to your blog I have been amazed by what you have had to say. Admittedly there have been times when I disagreed with you. Occasionally I have felt you were too strident on some topics, but mainly regarding the science (if that is right word?) concerning transgenderism. Somehow I never associated the person with such strong, clearly-defined views with the vulnerability and doubts you shared in today's posting. Reading your blog has been a journey of discovery. Thank you for being you and sharing your thoughts with us.

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  2. thanks Kati yes I can be strident because I find that so many speak so confidently about a subject where we actually have so little information. I try to go after those targets. But thanks for the appreciation it makes my day!

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