Skip to main content

a new level of zen

I can no longer relate to what made my outings so stress inducing for so long. Yes there was an exhalation present (almost as if I were trying to get away with something) and I sweated every little detail right down to which entrance to a mall I would use. Beginning crossdressers can relate to what I am saying in that fear of discovery becomes something which is literally unthinkable.

So much has changed since then.

It's now comfortable and natural to go out as Joanna that I feel as relaxed as when I am in male mode. It simply has become part of my everyday life and I don't give it a second thought. Eliminating those nerves has been so welcome and I think I have succeeded in merging my two animas into one person.

As time has progressed the clothing has become less and less important. It's as if I had to go through a teenage period only to eventually grow up and have it be more about expressing a complete person rather than a caricature. I dress age and occasion appropriate which is something I could not recommended more highly. The idea is not to stand out but to blend seamlessly into my surroundings and go about my business.

I spoke the other day about transgender phases and I think I am now in that comfortable phase where everything flows without needing to over think or analyze my physical appearance. It's become so much more about the feelings and the peace of mind that I have always sought.


  1. From my first visit to your blog I have been amazed by what you have had to say. Admittedly there have been times when I disagreed with you. Occasionally I have felt you were too strident on some topics, but mainly regarding the science (if that is right word?) concerning transgenderism. Somehow I never associated the person with such strong, clearly-defined views with the vulnerability and doubts you shared in today's posting. Reading your blog has been a journey of discovery. Thank you for being you and sharing your thoughts with us.

  2. thanks Kati yes I can be strident because I find that so many speak so confidently about a subject where we actually have so little information. I try to go after those targets. But thanks for the appreciation it makes my day!


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

another coming out

Recently I had lunch with one of the young estimators who occasionally works with me here in Toronto. We were chatting about work and our respective lives when she queried about my love life:

“So how is it going on that front. Meet anyone interesting lately?”

I reflected for a moment and then said:

“My situation is a little particular and if you don’t mind I can share something about myself”

She leaned in a bit and told me to please go ahead.

“I am trans” I said matter of factly.

She looked at me and smiled and said:

“Really? That’s so neat”

She is 35 years old and a lovely person which is why I knew I could confide in her. I then added that I had been reflecting on whether I would switch companies and begin working as Joanna and although she is totally open she also knows how conservative our business can be. So I told her that if I did decide to it would definitely be under a different umbrella.

Then yesterday I was coming back to my place and the lady who rents it to me, who is abo…

feeling sexy

Here are the results of a recent survey of genetic women:

“A new hairdo, walking in heels and a glowing tan are among the things that make a woman feel sexy. Freshly applied lipstick, newly-shaved legs and a little black dress also have a positive effect on the psyche”

Are you surprised? I’m not because it is exactly the same list that makes transgender women feel sexy.

For a long time the idea was pandered about that transsexualism was rooted exclusively in aberrant sexuality. But of course you cannot separate the sexuality from the individual because that forms part of their overall makeup and the fact that genetic and transsexual women overlap here surprises no one.

We should also add here that women aren't always thinking about sex and neither are transgender women.

Pre transition transsexuals would not readily admit they found these things sexy because they were afraid to be seen as perverted men in front of gatekeepers who understood nothing about their condition.

Today we kn…

Being transgender isn't exclusively a problem of aberrant sexuality

If being transgender were exclusively a problem of aberrant sexuality, then I would seem to be an exception to the rule.

To date I have lived my life like a choir boy and have had low libido throughout. I have yet to ever see a porn film and both my ex-wife and ex-girlfriend complained about my lack of sex drive. I also knew I was different from a very young age.

This is why the accusation that male to female transgender persons attracted to women are perverts doesn’t hold much water with me. I was mortified when I hit puberty and realized that my desire to be female had taken on sexual overtones and I ended up, like most of you, repeatedly throwing things in the bin as a repudiation. In fact, accepting that my sexuality has been permanently impacted was the hardest pill to swallow in my journey to become a fully realized transgender person.

That is why I say to those who are still concerned about what outsiders who haven’t lived your personal experience have to say about you should l…