Skip to main content


Yesterday N asked me if I would ever transition if she were not in the picture. My answer was an emphatic no.

I have reflected on this question many times and the conclusion has been the same every time. While there are advantages to living your life in one form I don't see how it would improve so drastically by transitioning to full time living.

I seemed to have fused both male and female animas into a formula that works even if that formula is not perfect. There might always be a little nagging question of what if but I chalk that up to the gender dysphoria. I have gotten to know how it works and what I need to do to feed its demands.

The best tool in my arsenal has been to be completely honest with myself and truly reflect on what is required. Life is never perfect for anyone and while we may have gender issues others grapple with depression or physical illnesses.

My having developed a perfect comfort with clothing, makeup and mannerisms has been pivotal and all that practice didn't go to waste. I have long ago outgrown the confines of my own space and my female persona must exist in the real world in order for me to feel whole.

It feels very much like I have attained a comfortable plateau where I can continue to exist indefinitely and this is extremely reassuring to me.


  1. I am with you. I do have my days where it hurts a bit to be in the middle knowing how much energy it takes to spend time at each end but when all is said and done, I won't move from where I am today. Happy New Year!

    1. Glad to hear it Leann...all the best for this new year

  2. While I'm sure we both agree a trans person should do whatever they want - vis a vis transition, I can't tell you how emphatically I believe that yours is the correct path for your/our particular transgender profile. When I say 'correct' I mean - 'all things considered and evaluating happiness long term - this is the path most likely to lead to stability and happiness.' You can accept that you are female - or part female - but that doesn't mean you must do x, y and z... you take your time and find the best path - which must always be a compromise between the reality of your female soul and the reality of your male body. Anyway, happy new year...

  3. Replies
    1. and a Happy New Year to you as well Felix. Yes I do think I have definitely reached a place of comfort where I can exist and be happy. Took long enough! all the best to you for 2016 and keep on writing!


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

looking past cross gender arousal

Jack’s latest Crossdreamers post got me thinking about cross gender arousal and how it could be avoided; also whether it even matters. This with particular focus on the inability to relate of someone on the outside looking in.

You see, sexuality is a very complicated thing to begin with and when you then add gender identity ambiguity it becomes a recipe to really confuse someone.

So imagine that you are a little boy who identifies as a girl but then along comes puberty and short circuits everything by having the sex you identify with also be the sex you are attracted to. For in essence this is what happens to all all male to female gender dysphoric trans persons who are attracted to women.

So I ask myself: can I imagine a scenario where this inherent contradiction would not produce sexual confusion? The answer is that I cannot.

I am in the unique position, like many of you, to have experienced an early identification with the feminine become sexualized later on. This brought confusion…

understanding the erotic component

I have written about crossed wires before in two separate posts. The idea is that one cannot pass through puberty and the development of sexual feelings for females and not have your pre-existing gender dysphoria be impacted through your psychosexual development. The hormone responsible for your libido is testosterone which is present in much stronger concentration in males and is why gynephilics are most likely to experience erotic overtones as the conflict between romantic external feelings and their pull towards the feminine become permanently intertwined.

Because I came from a deeply religious family where sex was not discussed much at all, I grew up with little access to information and was very much ignorant of matters relating to the subject. With no firsthand experience in intercourse until I married I was then faced with the reality that my ability to perform sexually had been deeply impacted by my dysphoric feelings. This began years of turmoil and self-deprecating thoughts …

another coming out

Recently I had lunch with one of the young estimators who occasionally works with me here in Toronto. We were chatting about work and our respective lives when she queried about my love life:

“So how is it going on that front. Meet anyone interesting lately?”

I reflected for a moment and then said:

“My situation is a little particular and if you don’t mind I can share something about myself”

She leaned in a bit and told me to please go ahead.

“I am trans” I said matter of factly.

She looked at me and smiled and said:

“Really? That’s so neat”

She is 35 years old and a lovely person which is why I knew I could confide in her. I then added that I had been reflecting on whether I would switch companies and begin working as Joanna and although she is totally open she also knows how conservative our business can be. So I told her that if I did decide to it would definitely be under a different umbrella.

Then yesterday I was coming back to my place and the lady who rents it to me, who is abo…