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getting past the fraud stage

There is a stage I had to get past before I could truly be myself. That period could be termed "feeling like a fraud".

I would dress and go out but internally feel like I had no business trying to interact as a woman. I felt like was deceiving others as well as myself and I was embarassed that my nature compelled me to need to even go out at all.

But I can tell you that as a transgender person you cannot advance to a healthy you without moving beyond these feelings. I know I am not the only one who's had them because I would read other people's sites and marvelled at their ability to have moved beyond this phase.

If you permit the comparison it is almost like the real life test that pre-transition transsexuals must undertake in order to be sure they are doing the right thing; only mine involved getting to a different rung in the ladder.

I can now go to my auto mechanic, do my banking appointments, meet coffee acquaintances and do my grocery shopping as Joanna and not give that a second thought.

This may not seem like a huge undertaking for many of you but for me it calmed the waters of unrest that stirred within me and helped me achieve mental peace. It also helped me put away the idea of transition.

Remember that you are only as much of a fraud as you think you are and that you get to decide what's right and not someone who does not have gender dysphoria.



Comments

  1. Joanna,

    I think this is such a good post on several levels. I've often and to this day (perhaps less often) felt I was a fraud. Earlier in my life I knew I harbored this shameful secret that I didn't understand. Later I tried to rationalize it as "my little secret desires" but that didn't work because the secret remained. These days I have less worry about others finding out because I know that I am trans and I have told my wife. But doubts remain.

    My therapist recently advised that I try to stop my thinking and introspection, just accept that Emma is and always will be an important and vital part of me, and live life according to my feelings. This is kind of hard to do isn't it? Reminds me of letting go of the side of the swimming pool when I was a child. But it's what I'm trying now.

    I think it's wonderful that you have written about yourself here and have come to terms and love yourself. That's awesome, that's the dream I think we all have.

    Emma

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Emma part of the acceptance is indeed to let go and stop stressing about how everyone views this part of who you are. Your therapist is quite right and you have likely suppressed far longer than you should have.

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