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Up until the time I accepted myself for who I was, my life before that seems in retrospect to have been an attempt at avoidance at any cost.

I distracted myself with activities and caved in to crossdressing just enough to relieve the pressure on my psyche. All to no avail. The best analogy I can think of is putting your finger in the hole of the dyke in hopes all that water behind it doesn't break through.

It did of course.

Now I look back to realize that everything transpired the way it did for a reason. I had so much to undo and so many misconceptions to dispel that my journey back was going to be a little tougher than most.

I didn't give myself an inch of wiggle room to breathe and I was slowly being stifled by my own intransigence. The only way I was going to come around was in a watershed moment of realization where you say "I can't live like this anymore".

I think that it's true that we learn to live life as we move within it. The cockiness of youth morphs into a slow realization that there is a rhythm to follow and that we need to cut ourselves and others some slack.

Our parents do their best but in the end you are responsible for your own journey and where it takes you.

Those watershed moments can be saving graces even if at the time the force of the dam breach threatens to overwhelm.


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Recently I had lunch with one of the young estimators who occasionally works with me here in Toronto. We were chatting about work and our respective lives when she queried about my love life:

“So how is it going on that front. Meet anyone interesting lately?”

I reflected for a moment and then said:

“My situation is a little particular and if you don’t mind I can share something about myself”

She leaned in a bit and told me to please go ahead.

“I am trans” I said matter of factly.

She looked at me and smiled and said:

“Really? That’s so neat”

She is 35 years old and a lovely person which is why I knew I could confide in her. I then added that I had been reflecting on whether I would switch companies and begin working as Joanna and although she is totally open she also knows how conservative our business can be. So I told her that if I did decide to it would definitely be under a different umbrella.

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Here are the results of a recent survey of genetic women:

“A new hairdo, walking in heels and a glowing tan are among the things that make a woman feel sexy. Freshly applied lipstick, newly-shaved legs and a little black dress also have a positive effect on the psyche”

Are you surprised? I’m not because it is exactly the same list that makes transgender women feel sexy.

For a long time the idea was pandered about that transsexualism was rooted exclusively in aberrant sexuality. But of course you cannot separate the sexuality from the individual because that forms part of their overall makeup and the fact that genetic and transsexual women overlap here surprises no one.

We should also add here that women aren't always thinking about sex and neither are transgender women.

Pre transition transsexuals would not readily admit they found these things sexy because they were afraid to be seen as perverted men in front of gatekeepers who understood nothing about their condition.

Today we kn…

Being transgender isn't exclusively a problem of aberrant sexuality

If being transgender were exclusively a problem of aberrant sexuality, then I would seem to be an exception to the rule.

To date I have lived my life like a choir boy and have had low libido throughout. I have yet to ever see a porn film and both my ex-wife and ex-girlfriend complained about my lack of sex drive. I also knew I was different from a very young age.

This is why the accusation that male to female transgender persons attracted to women are perverts doesn’t hold much water with me. I was mortified when I hit puberty and realized that my desire to be female had taken on sexual overtones and I ended up, like most of you, repeatedly throwing things in the bin as a repudiation. In fact, accepting that my sexuality has been permanently impacted was the hardest pill to swallow in my journey to become a fully realized transgender person.

That is why I say to those who are still concerned about what outsiders who haven’t lived your personal experience have to say about you should l…