Skip to main content

help with crossdressing husband

I found this posting in the Dear Prudence advice column and was happy to see the response to the concerned wife was nuanced and not dismissive of a potentially bigger question. I can imagine such a query being handled quite differently in the past. See if you agree…

Q. "The other woman: My husband of 10 years always liked to cross-dress; he did it when we dated and all through our marriage. It was casual, the occasional outing, a stress-reliever for him that I had no problem with. In the past year, all of a sudden he has ramped up his cross-dressing activities, ordering tons of clothes, going out at least once a week as “Pam,” and telling a few close friends of his proclivities. I know a lot of this is a reaction to our daughter we had two years ago and the new pressures and responsibility, but how do I deal with the resentment that Pam gets all his attention and his daughter and I are second?"

A: "There are two issues here, I think: One is that your husband is not spending enough time with your new child. This needs to have its own conversation unrelated to issues of gender expression and dress.

The other is that you two seem to see Pam very differently. To you, Pam is a stress-relieving hobby. It sounds like your husband considers Pam to be an integral part of who he is. I doubt very much that Pam is a “reaction” to the birth of your daughter. What you see as cross-dressing may very well be what your husband considers freedom. There is a difference between cis men who enjoy cross-dressing and a transwoman beginning to come out to her friends and family. The part where your husband is introducing close friends to Pam suggests to me that this is not about cross-dressing for fun every couple of weeks.
I don’t know how your husband identifies, but you two need to have a serious, loving, open conversation about it. I know what Pam is to you—an occasional distraction that pulls your husband away from what you see as his real life. What you need to find out is what Pam is to your husband."


Good answer.

Comments

  1. Yes, totally agree, both that it's an excellent answer that it would have been different in the past. I'm not sure I could improve the answer at all!

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

indoctrination

As transgender people, organized religion hasn't really been our friend however on the other hand it has often had little to do with true spirituality. I needed to learn this over time and much of what I was taught growing up was steeped in the judgmental superstition of society instead of what some creator would demand of me.

Regardless of your belief system, you are a child of the universe and have been endowed with uniqueness and goodness of spirit. You have probably never wished anyone ill will and you have tried your best to live within the absurd coordinate system of humanity. Yet somehow belonging to the LGBT community was entirely your fault.

As I have grown older this inherent irrationality became increasingly evident to me. I knew I was a fundamentally good person and yet I was different in a way which was not of my choosing. Hence with this comprehension my self appreciation and esteem grew in proportion.

Religion for me today seems forever trapped in the misinterpretat…

another coming out

Recently I had lunch with one of the young estimators who occasionally works with me here in Toronto. We were chatting about work and our respective lives when she queried about my love life:

“So how is it going on that front. Meet anyone interesting lately?”

I reflected for a moment and then said:

“My situation is a little particular and if you don’t mind I can share something about myself”

She leaned in a bit and told me to please go ahead.

“I am trans” I said matter of factly.

She looked at me and smiled and said:

“Really? That’s so neat”

She is 35 years old and a lovely person which is why I knew I could confide in her. I then added that I had been reflecting on whether I would switch companies and begin working as Joanna and although she is totally open she also knows how conservative our business can be. So I told her that if I did decide to it would definitely be under a different umbrella.

Then yesterday I was coming back to my place and the lady who rents it to me, who is abo…

feeling sexy

Here are the results of a recent survey of genetic women:

“A new hairdo, walking in heels and a glowing tan are among the things that make a woman feel sexy. Freshly applied lipstick, newly-shaved legs and a little black dress also have a positive effect on the psyche”

Are you surprised? I’m not because it is exactly the same list that makes transgender women feel sexy.

For a long time the idea was pandered about that transsexualism was rooted exclusively in aberrant sexuality. But of course you cannot separate the sexuality from the individual because that forms part of their overall makeup and the fact that genetic and transsexual women overlap here surprises no one.

We should also add here that women aren't always thinking about sex and neither are transgender women.

Pre transition transsexuals would not readily admit they found these things sexy because they were afraid to be seen as perverted men in front of gatekeepers who understood nothing about their condition.

Today we kn…