Skip to main content

my abnormal sexuality

I don't know what having normal sexuality is like since I have never possessed it.

Even if I have always been attracted to women, my dysphoria actively conspires against my ability to perform in the way most men do. When I began this blog this fact disconcerted me a great deal because I felt it was my biggest hurdle; that and my desire to crossdress.

Putting myself in the mental role of the female is something that N rightfully has found to be troubling and I have done my best to explain that I have always been this way and don’t know any different. I love her and this reality has nothing to do with her or with anything she does.

When I am alone, my sexual fantasies place me not with a male or a female but rather as embodying some aspect of womanhood. I have also worked hard to study myself and try to understand how my dysphoria functions. My plan has always been to avoid the temptation to transition since I know my existence would not necessarily improve and could just end up trading one set of circumstances for another. Every big change in life inevitably brings both good and bad.

I now understand that gender dysphoria is intrinsically tied to sexuality and you cannot entirely unbind it from your gender identity.

But even as I no longer see being transgender as an illness and more as a variant of humanity, I nevertheless acknowledge that it takes a long time to adapt to this reality. It is a challenge like any other and one which could hardly be described as being the worst among those faced by other people in this world.

Besides helping others, this blog is driven by the fact that the people most vocal about what makes us tick are often those least well placed to do so. This is why I constantly advocate the idea that you need to trust your instincts above all and proceed accordingly until science catches up with all of this.


Comments

  1. I'm not sure if the science will ever catch up. Even if a widely accepted rational explanation of transgender thought/desire/behavior were to be developed, I'm not sure that it will provide a definitive answer to every situation. There are simply too many variables, practically as many variables as their people. From my perspective, there are simply things in life that confound reason and logic.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Kati you are right that we may never possess a full portrait but even if it's only a partial glimpse into a bigger and more complex one it will help to remove some of the stigma we face as transgender people. The complexity of the brain, DNA and of the human condition in general makes it that we may be waiting a while.

      Delete
    2. as i always say "science is only an exact study until a given theory is dis-proven" LOL

      Delete
  2. "Even if I have always been attracted to women, my dysphoria actively conspires against my ability to perform in the way most men do."

    You are describing me Joanna. I was a poor sexual partner to my wife. Not because I was physically not able to participate, but because I was all woman between the ears. I of course did not know this until after we were married and I had a steady sex life.

    I wish I had known myself better 25 years ago, but alas I did not.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. our normal is all we know and we don't have a basis for comparison but early on in my marriage I understood all was not right.

      Delete
  3. I have considered the "nurture vs. nature" question a lot; maybe this ties in to your post. I wanted my trans feelings to be based on nature. I felt that then I would have a stronger case for my wife and maybe others that I was just born this way, get used to it. Lately I've gotten some more info about my early life and was afraid that "nature", or how I was raised, were the foundation of my trans gender. But I recently admitted to my therapist that my trans feelings and crossdressing needs ebb and flow, which worried me further. Maybe that reduction in feelings meant that my trans feelings aren't really real?

    Not at all, he said. In fact, he sees the change in feelings as confirming the "natural" and pointed out that, regardless, my childhood memories often return to wishing I was a girl, etc. there again adding weight to the "natural" conclusion. So okay, I am satisfied that I'm was born TG. What does that mean?

    A. It's most definitely not an illness.
    B. Unusual doesn't equate to abnormal. We are 100% normal humans. It's like saying a left handed person or a gay person isn't normal. Of course they are.
    C. As for sexuality, well, I haven't figured that out yet. I always dreamed of being the girl, or being coerced to be. It turns me on. But I wonder sometimes if that is more a reaction to the joy I would feel if I was a cisgender female compared to what I am?

    But, and I'll say this again. It's okay to be you Joanna, and it's okay to be me. We are beautiful sisters, if only in spirit. I do get sad when I consider what I missed not growing up female. But I'm so much happier these days, having learned more about who I am, that it's okay, and that I am loved for being me. As I sincerely hope you are, too, Joanna.

    Hugs,

    Emma

    ReplyDelete
  4. I am actually quite content Emma and this post was meant to highlight that this difference of ours includes a natural variant of sexuality since our brain is wired counter to our birth sex. Thanks so much for your very insightful comments!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. the one thing i have come to grips with is that i like both my "selves" to much to do away with one or the other. lucky i am single as there is no outside pressure to be one way or the other. and that is after coming out to many neighbors family and friends.the interesting thing is that i reently was contacted from someone from a dating site. unfortunatly they had not read the entire profile where i clearly state i am a cd transgender and included a photo of my diana self. i have not heard from the person since our phone conversation. but i know one thing i have come to far to be pushed back in the closet like a "jill in the box" by a newcomer in my life.

      Delete
    2. Diana the only person you can be is yourself and that cannot change. Nice to hear from you!

      Delete
    3. HI Joanna,

      I hope you didn't take my reply to say or think that you're not happy as you are. Far from it! From your writing I feel that you are a role model for what I aspire to be. I was just adding my experience and trying to add to the conversation. I can't help myself at times!

      Hugs,

      Emma

      Delete
    4. much appreciated Emma and no offense taken whatsoever!

      Delete
  5. Normal Sexuality, now there is a title for an encyclopaedia sized series of books...

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

another coming out

Recently I had lunch with one of the young estimators who occasionally works with me here in Toronto. We were chatting about work and our respective lives when she queried about my love life:

“So how is it going on that front. Meet anyone interesting lately?”

I reflected for a moment and then said:

“My situation is a little particular and if you don’t mind I can share something about myself”

She leaned in a bit and told me to please go ahead.

“I am trans” I said matter of factly.

She looked at me and smiled and said:

“Really? That’s so neat”

She is 35 years old and a lovely person which is why I knew I could confide in her. I then added that I had been reflecting on whether I would switch companies and begin working as Joanna and although she is totally open she also knows how conservative our business can be. So I told her that if I did decide to it would definitely be under a different umbrella.

Then yesterday I was coming back to my place and the lady who rents it to me, who is abo…

feeling sexy

Here are the results of a recent survey of genetic women:

“A new hairdo, walking in heels and a glowing tan are among the things that make a woman feel sexy. Freshly applied lipstick, newly-shaved legs and a little black dress also have a positive effect on the psyche”

Are you surprised? I’m not because it is exactly the same list that makes transgender women feel sexy.

For a long time the idea was pandered about that transsexualism was rooted exclusively in aberrant sexuality. But of course you cannot separate the sexuality from the individual because that forms part of their overall makeup and the fact that genetic and transsexual women overlap here surprises no one.

We should also add here that women aren't always thinking about sex and neither are transgender women.

Pre transition transsexuals would not readily admit they found these things sexy because they were afraid to be seen as perverted men in front of gatekeepers who understood nothing about their condition.

Today we kn…

Being transgender isn't exclusively a problem of aberrant sexuality

If being transgender were exclusively a problem of aberrant sexuality, then I would seem to be an exception to the rule.

To date I have lived my life like a choir boy and have had low libido throughout. I have yet to ever see a porn film and both my ex-wife and ex-girlfriend complained about my lack of sex drive. I also knew I was different from a very young age.

This is why the accusation that male to female transgender persons attracted to women are perverts doesn’t hold much water with me. I was mortified when I hit puberty and realized that my desire to be female had taken on sexual overtones and I ended up, like most of you, repeatedly throwing things in the bin as a repudiation. In fact, accepting that my sexuality has been permanently impacted was the hardest pill to swallow in my journey to become a fully realized transgender person.

That is why I say to those who are still concerned about what outsiders who haven’t lived your personal experience have to say about you should l…