When I finished my sessions at the Montreal General Hospital gender clinic in 2007 I was told that I had a good deal of pent up anger. I knew this to be true and it bubbled up to the surface as my marriage came to an end and the frustration of all those years of suppression took their toll. Even as I was approved for the next phase of treatment at a private clinic I decided to forgo that move and stop the process cold.
After having met N again, living together for 3 years and thinking all was well again it wasn’t and I would periodically explode in a rage that would have me yelling at the top of my voice. This culminated in one incident which scared N enough to have her packing and leaving me. The year we were apart was when I began to write this blog to try and deal with that anger and attempt to resolve the gender issues that had plagued me since earliest memory.
Anger is an insidious beast which will eat away at your soul. It was not allowing me to love myself properly so how could I love others in the best manner possible.
Over the next few years I learned to douse the flames by educating myself as never before on this issue and by looking inside to try to figure out how I was going to handle it. My dysphoria is strong so it’s not been easy to find a formula that allowed me to manage it without impacting the life of those I love.
If I were sold 100% on the idea that transition was the perfect solution I would have embarked on that path already but I am not and I would not gamble with my life to that extent only to discover it was the wrong move.