Skip to main content

grass not always greener

I'm the oldest in a family of six and between us we have 22 children. It's a large Catholic family and we grew up in a safe and middle class home with two loving parents. Of course nothing is perfect and my parents argued as we did amongst ourselves but all of us turned out to be relatively successful in our lives and careers.

I have tended to be a loner within my own family and as they live typical suburban normal lives mine has tended to be more complicated. I am the only one divorced and sometimes wish for my children that things had turned out differently. They have not enjoyed the same perks that their cousins have although this generation tends to be spoiled compared to when I was growing up. That may not be such a bad thing.

My life is certainly more complicated than my siblings' and in the past it sometimes became a source of frustration for me. I also tend to have little in common with most of them; the one sister I was closer to lives across the country and is in a religious order.

I don't regret my life despite the fact that I am a complex and complicated person. This has been both good and bad with my need for analysis being ever present. It has made me an individual that is hard on myself but also on others and I have needed to work on softening the edges. Doing so allowed for my own self acceptance.

Life isn't easy for anyone and sometimes what we think we see are but optical illusions. When we scratch below the surface we often find a more complex portrait of what is truly going on.

Comparing ourselves to others and wishing our life had been different is not the best way to go. Rather we should focus on understanding what got us to where we are today and seeing how we can improve ourselves as human beings.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

the pseudoscience behind gender dysphoria

The real science as to what causes gender dysphoria still awaits.

Harry Benjamin was on to something except he didn’t have the scientific evidence to back up his suspicions hence, like a true scientist, he negated to draw conclusions. His hunch, based on treating so many patients over his lifetime, was that one is born with a predisposition to be gender dysphoric.

However, with inconclusive brain scans and no DNA marker (as of yet) we are left with believing the word of people who need help and only want to lead happy and productive lives.

The best we have been able to muster since Benjamin's death in 1986 was to amass statistics on who gets a boner imagining themselves as a woman which is in equal parts pathetic and disappointing. For this is not really science at all but is instead playing with interview data that doesn't point to anything definitive or conclusive. I have dealt with this problem at great length in my blog.

The whole thing started with Kurt Freund's obses…

looking past cross gender arousal

Jack’s latest Crossdreamers post got me thinking about cross gender arousal and how it could be avoided; also whether it even matters. This with particular focus on the inability to relate of someone on the outside looking in.

You see, sexuality is a very complicated thing to begin with and when you then add gender identity ambiguity it becomes a recipe to really confuse someone.

So imagine that you are a little boy who identifies as a girl but then along comes puberty and short circuits everything by having the sex you identify with also be the sex you are attracted to. For in essence this is what happens to all all male to female gender dysphoric trans persons who are attracted to women.

So I ask myself: can I imagine a scenario where this inherent contradiction would not produce sexual confusion? The answer is that I cannot.

I am in the unique position, like many of you, to have experienced an early identification with the feminine become sexualized later on. This brought confusion…

understanding the erotic component

I have written about crossed wires before in two separate posts. The idea is that one cannot pass through puberty and the development of sexual feelings for females and not have your pre-existing gender dysphoria be impacted through your psychosexual development. The hormone responsible for your libido is testosterone which is present in much stronger concentration in males and is why gynephilics are most likely to experience erotic overtones as the conflict between romantic external feelings and their pull towards the feminine become permanently intertwined.

Because I came from a deeply religious family where sex was not discussed much at all, I grew up with little access to information and was very much ignorant of matters relating to the subject. With no firsthand experience in intercourse until I married I was then faced with the reality that my ability to perform sexually had been deeply impacted by my dysphoric feelings. This began years of turmoil and self-deprecating thoughts …