Skip to main content

the chicken or the egg

Which came first the chicken or the egg?

This is an analogy for what has become the essential dilemma in trying to understand how sexual orientation and the desire to be a female overlap. Most male to female gynephilic transsexuals knew they were different very early on in life.

Transgender people question their gender identity well before they have developed a sexual identity and what later transpires is a conflict between this internal identity and the sexual being which is slowly emerging. This is not the same thing as being attracted to your own image as a female but does take the form of sexual fantasies that juxtapose who we aim to be with whom we want to love.

This very confusing time causes an inherent contradiction which we need to sort out.

Some would have you believe that we create a false gender identity as a product of a paraphilic sexuality but that only makes sense if the desire to be female originated hand in hand with the sexual identity. The fact that most transsexuals know much earlier what their identity is, contradicts this idea.

Most transgender people want to downplay the role that sex plays in all this but it exists and most certainly does not invalidate their identity. It may be part and parcel of a more complex picture but certainly not the only defining feature.

To me it’s the most obvious thing in the world that my gender identity was shaped well before my sexual identity was. What happened is that eventually upon meeting, the latter came into conflict with the former. This causes an unconventional situation but not the stuff that paraphilias are made of.

Emasculation fetishists prefer to think in terms of paraphilias perhaps because they are afraid of possessing a transgender identity and not being truly male in the conventional sense. For a time this was also my fear and they will find out one way or another with increasing age.

I know exactly who and what I am and any decision going forward will most certainly not be shaped by my sexual longings but instead by my reason, my logic and most importantly by my heart.

But now here is the kicker: our gender identity need not be an either or proposition; in other words it need not be perfectly aligned with our conventional wisdom of what makes a man or a woman because much of that is artificially set by social convention.

Comments

  1. "To me it’s the most obvious thing in the world that my gender identity was shaped well before my sexual identity was." There lies the heart of autogynephilia: the Freudian notion that sexual motives come before anything else - regardless of what you remember! They blame bad odors for the plague, and will treat it only with posies and potpourri...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You hit the nail on the head January...

      Delete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

another coming out

Recently I had lunch with one of the young estimators who occasionally works with me here in Toronto. We were chatting about work and our respective lives when she queried about my love life:

“So how is it going on that front. Meet anyone interesting lately?”

I reflected for a moment and then said:

“My situation is a little particular and if you don’t mind I can share something about myself”

She leaned in a bit and told me to please go ahead.

“I am trans” I said matter of factly.

She looked at me and smiled and said:

“Really? That’s so neat”

She is 35 years old and a lovely person which is why I knew I could confide in her. I then added that I had been reflecting on whether I would switch companies and begin working as Joanna and although she is totally open she also knows how conservative our business can be. So I told her that if I did decide to it would definitely be under a different umbrella.

Then yesterday I was coming back to my place and the lady who rents it to me, who is abo…

feeling sexy

Here are the results of a recent survey of genetic women:

“A new hairdo, walking in heels and a glowing tan are among the things that make a woman feel sexy. Freshly applied lipstick, newly-shaved legs and a little black dress also have a positive effect on the psyche”

Are you surprised? I’m not because it is exactly the same list that makes transgender women feel sexy.

For a long time the idea was pandered about that transsexualism was rooted exclusively in aberrant sexuality. But of course you cannot separate the sexuality from the individual because that forms part of their overall makeup and the fact that genetic and transsexual women overlap here surprises no one.

We should also add here that women aren't always thinking about sex and neither are transgender women.

Pre transition transsexuals would not readily admit they found these things sexy because they were afraid to be seen as perverted men in front of gatekeepers who understood nothing about their condition.

Today we kn…

the risks of downplaying dysphoria

Kati’s comment on my post called “Doubting you are trans” got me thinking about the validity of our feelings and the importance of not downplaying them.

Make no mistake: gender dysphoria is real and you are not delusional and by trying to downplay our emotional need to express ourselves we are making a mistake.

At the same time, I am very realistic about what I am doing to treat my dysphoria and understand that I was not born physically female. However, the idea that gender identity is established exclusively through birth genitalia has been pretty convincingly debunked which means that gender and its expression should be left up to the individual and not to society. But unfortunately, we live in a world where disobeying the rules leads to suffering through persecution.

Transition is one way to treat your “gender expression deprivation anxiety” (thank you Anne Vitale for that wonderful term) but it is not the sole method. However, denying that the feelings are real is a recipe for dep…