It seems entirely intuitive and even logical that the more energy and years one has invested in their male identity the harder it is to adopt the female role. This whether you transition or not.
In that sense my journey has been long and laborious but I don't look back in disdain because that was all I knew at the time. I thought I was supposed to buy into the official script for my life.
So after my father's death I married and had children and for a few years lived the atomic age lifestyle of living in the burbs. It came undone in time because I was not living my reality but instead someone else's.
Today young people get more understanding and support and that's an amazing thing. I don't blame my own parents because they themselves were the product of their own education and socialization. We just didn't know better then.
God knows I tried so hard to fit in. I struggled with my identity all the while and put off the questioning as crazy delusions. Now I look back with 20/20 hindsight and marvel at how I lived the charade for so long.
I am so heartened by the possibilities for the future and how people like us need not suffer for so many years. There they are all over YouTube helping and teaching each other that their life can be better and they are not crazy like we thought we were back then.
I am so glad I have my children and in that sense my life back then was not entirely a lie. Sometimes we need to take a different route to get to our final destination and only comprehend later why we did.