Monday, 13 June 2016

at a snail pace

Before puberty my dressing was just a normal part of who I was albeit hidden but after puberty it suddenly became something I began to see as a dysfunctional problem. I felt I needed to eradicate it if I was going to have a "normal" life.

Naturally the binge purge cycle that ensued post-puberty only reinforced my belief that I suffered from a problem. What I did not realise back then that this was gender dysphoria which I had no hand in creating.

Back in the 1970's there was very little literature available to us and in my desperate attempts to cure myself I suppressed as hard as I could until the pressure built once again to an insurmountable level. That cycle lasted for many years until I knew I needed to tackle this head on.

So it’s not that you crossdress that is so much the challenge but understanding what motivates it. If you enjoy it as relaxing activity that you indulge in from time to time then that is wonderful. If you are probably able to fit it into your life in a healthy way all the better. But for us who are gender dysphoric it's a little more insidious in that can form part of a strategy of management that sometimes doesn't fully work. I mentioned my GP's patient for whom this technique does not work and feels she must transition.

Admittedly going back and forth is not simple for me and I am trying to focus on my previous life commitments above all; mostly to my children. But even then I have yet to convince myself that full time living is for me. This is why I have been approaching the treatment of my dysphoria with such painstaking slowness.

By doing this I focus on remaining balanced and not jump into anything. My only promise to myself has been not to tamper with my body in any way as I don't view that as a necessity or even as a wish.

To a great extent a kind of social transition has already taken place but what remains to be seen is the final resting point. In other words, does the male clothing ever entirely disappear from my closet? Right now that remains doubtful.

I've only ever done important things methodically in my life and I would approach this issue no differently.

It's the only way I know how.

2 comments:

  1. I think a snail's pace is the wisest for many reasons. When I was young I wanted everything right now, and didn't realize that I was often happier when I accomplished things more gradually. And we know that changing our gender is much more profound.

    I don't want to create another situation where I have to live a role, worried about my voice, my mannerisms. It's fulfilling in small doses, yes, but always? I think then it would lose some of its luster.

    Like you, I also have my loved ones whom I don't want to lose or dismay further.

    Last, transition would not make me born female. I know that's obvious but I think it's an important distinction. I wouldn't have that history of girlhood that I'd always muss, too.

    Emma

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. you make some good points here Emma and my aim is not to try and become a female but instead to manage my dysphoria. In that light I am taking things very slowly and trying to find the right fit. Its a slow and organic progression which I find better than rushing.

      Delete