Skip to main content

at a snail pace

Before puberty my dressing was just a normal part of who I was albeit hidden but after puberty it suddenly became something I began to see as a dysfunctional problem. I felt I needed to eradicate it if I was going to have a "normal" life.

Naturally the binge purge cycle that ensued post-puberty only reinforced my belief that I suffered from a problem. What I did not realise back then that this was gender dysphoria which I had no hand in creating.

Back in the 1970's there was very little literature available to us and in my desperate attempts to cure myself I suppressed as hard as I could until the pressure built once again to an insurmountable level. That cycle lasted for many years until I knew I needed to tackle this head on.

So it’s not that you crossdress that is so much the challenge but understanding what motivates it. If you enjoy it as relaxing activity that you indulge in from time to time then that is wonderful. If you are probably able to fit it into your life in a healthy way all the better. But for us who are gender dysphoric it's a little more insidious in that can form part of a strategy of management that sometimes doesn't fully work. I mentioned my GP's patient for whom this technique does not work and feels she must transition.

Admittedly going back and forth is not simple for me and I am trying to focus on my previous life commitments above all; mostly to my children. But even then I have yet to convince myself that full time living is for me. This is why I have been approaching the treatment of my dysphoria with such painstaking slowness.

By doing this I focus on remaining balanced and not jump into anything. My only promise to myself has been not to tamper with my body in any way as I don't view that as a necessity or even as a wish.

To a great extent a kind of social transition has already taken place but what remains to be seen is the final resting point. In other words, does the male clothing ever entirely disappear from my closet? Right now that remains doubtful.

I've only ever done important things methodically in my life and I would approach this issue no differently.

It's the only way I know how.


  1. I think a snail's pace is the wisest for many reasons. When I was young I wanted everything right now, and didn't realize that I was often happier when I accomplished things more gradually. And we know that changing our gender is much more profound.

    I don't want to create another situation where I have to live a role, worried about my voice, my mannerisms. It's fulfilling in small doses, yes, but always? I think then it would lose some of its luster.

    Like you, I also have my loved ones whom I don't want to lose or dismay further.

    Last, transition would not make me born female. I know that's obvious but I think it's an important distinction. I wouldn't have that history of girlhood that I'd always muss, too.


    1. you make some good points here Emma and my aim is not to try and become a female but instead to manage my dysphoria. In that light I am taking things very slowly and trying to find the right fit. Its a slow and organic progression which I find better than rushing.


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

looking past cross gender arousal

Jack’s latest Crossdreamers post got me thinking about cross gender arousal and how it could be avoided; also whether it even matters. This with particular focus on the inability to relate of someone on the outside looking in.

You see, sexuality is a very complicated thing to begin with and when you then add gender identity ambiguity it becomes a recipe to really confuse someone.

So imagine that you are a little boy who identifies as a girl but then along comes puberty and short circuits everything by having the sex you identify with also be the sex you are attracted to. For in essence this is what happens to all all male to female gender dysphoric trans persons who are attracted to women.

So I ask myself: can I imagine a scenario where this inherent contradiction would not produce sexual confusion? The answer is that I cannot.

I am in the unique position, like many of you, to have experienced an early identification with the feminine become sexualized later on. This brought confusion…

understanding the erotic component

I have written about crossed wires before in two separate posts. The idea is that one cannot pass through puberty and the development of sexual feelings for females and not have your pre-existing gender dysphoria be impacted through your psychosexual development. The hormone responsible for your libido is testosterone which is present in much stronger concentration in males and is why gynephilics are most likely to experience erotic overtones as the conflict between romantic external feelings and their pull towards the feminine become permanently intertwined.

Because I came from a deeply religious family where sex was not discussed much at all, I grew up with little access to information and was very much ignorant of matters relating to the subject. With no firsthand experience in intercourse until I married I was then faced with the reality that my ability to perform sexually had been deeply impacted by my dysphoric feelings. This began years of turmoil and self-deprecating thoughts …

a blending

An interesting thing is happening to me: as I have fully embraced being transgender my male and female anima are becoming blended. The female side is no longer an unwelcome appendage which, as a result, has allowed me to craft a more genuine and happier male image.

I dress when I want to and sometimes I cut outings shorter than before. I am my own master in this regard and feel in control.

Don't get me wrong in that the dysphoria is not going away and is sometimes like a wild stallion that threatens to jump the fence but I have learnt to understand it’s demands after all these years hence a transition for me is definitely not in the cards. At this point I am not even foreseeing a social one.

The two sides are no longer in conflict and they are now intertwined to create a fusion that is unique to me. That answer finally came when I reached a full level of self assurance about who I am and learned to embrace that I am trans and yes, that includes my dysphoria's erotic undertones…