Skip to main content

my own worst enemy no longer

I have long been my own worst enemy.

Living in the dark ages before the internet I had to police and control my "problem" without help from anyone for I dare not ever divulge it. All that negativity leaves scars on your psyche even if on the surface my life seemed fully under control. I just willed it to be that way.

So even now any modifications and small adjustments are made with a scrutiny honed from years of feeling like I didn't have the right to follow my own instincts.

Since 2012, this blog has been my therapy and my vehicle for exploring this weighty subject. During that time the advancement we have made as a community has been nothing short of extraordinary.

My own self-acceptance has been longer than it could have been and now I am working on removing the vestiges of the rigorious machinations that every action I took received. This subject was so serious for me that I had fashioned obstacles at every turn which were stifling me.

People who have never questioned their gender don't have to overthink things like we do. Hence, for my own sake I have focused my energy on ceasing a practice which had become virtually hard wired.



Comments

  1. Oh, Joanna, so absolutely correct; none of the rest of the world ever overthink things the way we do!
    It was last October when I suddenly realized that the only person who had to forgive me and accept me, was me, and once that was done, other impediments could be dealt with, because I loved and accepted myself.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I can see that you are there Halle and am very glad for you!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I agree with both of you. I've always over-thought things and Joanna's post really resonated with me. I think it comes (came? hope so) from always knowing on some level that I had this gender "issue" (for lack of a better term) that I needed to guard against others finding out. I was thus constantly living a lie and, like liars experience, keeping track of my story so I could stand up to questioning - not that that ever really happened. Not much, anyway.

    Here's an instance: about ten years ago I was getting into fiction writing, and met monthly with a couple of men for dinner and a writer's group. I sent them a story about a woman who had an unexpected affair with a man. One of my dinner companions remarked about how I seemed to channel her experience so remarkably well: her clothes, behaviors, etc. At that moment I froze, backpedalling out of the scrutiny with utmost care, trying not to call attention to my worry by over-reacting but changing the subject nonetheless. And thus I never wrote about such characters and situations again.

    ReplyDelete
  4. our biggest fear is being ourselves and we are constantly apologizing in our minds for trying to be that way. Enough is enough!

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

my last post

This will be my last blog post.

When I wrote recently that this blog had another seven years of life in it I was trying to convince myself that it was true. It was in fact a little bit of self delusion.

With almost 3,000 posts to date I have accomplished what I set out to do which was to heal myself and in the process share some of the struggle I had been through with others on the chance they might find some value in my words. After seven years of writing, my life still isn't perfect; no one's is. But I have discovered a path forward completely free of the trappings which society would have had me adopt so I could fit in.

Over the last 25 years of my life I have turned over every stone I could find while exploring this topic and in the process realized that we haven't even begun to scratch the surface of this deeply complex subject. What I have ultimately learned is that my instincts have more value than what someone who isn't gender dysphoric writes about me. We are …

epilogue

While this blog is most definitely over, I wanted to explain that part of the reason is that it was getting in the way of writing my next book called "Notes, Essays and Short Stories from the North" which will combine philosophy, trans issues, my observations on life, some short fiction and things that have happened to me over my life and continue to (both trans related and not).

When it is complete I will post the news here and will be happy to send you a free copy upon request in either PDF or eBook format. All I ask is that you provide me with some feedback once you're done reading it.

I'm only in the early stages so it will be a while.

Be well all of you....

sample pages...
















love of self

If you feel you are doing something wrong it shows. Your demeanor, body language and facial expression all conspire to betray you.

You are a clandestine "man in a dress"; you know it and everyone else can too. Your cover has been blown. I've been there and it's frustrating. The source goes back to your self image and the notion that you are somehow a freak of nature; and perhaps you are but what of it? the only way out is to embrace yourself fully and unconditionally. I don't mean to suggest that you are perfect but just that you were created this way and you need not seek forgiveness for it. You are a creation of God.

Misinterpreted religion is a big culprit in all this. These negative images of yourself came from reinforcement of stereotypes by ignorant people interpreting what is right and moral by their own barometer. You simply ingested the message and bought it as the gospel truth. Self confidence and critical thinking is the way out of your dilemma. It can…