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my own worst enemy no longer

I have long been my own worst enemy.

Living in the dark ages before the internet I had to police and control my "problem" without help from anyone for I dare not ever divulge it. All that negativity leaves scars on your psyche even if on the surface my life seemed fully under control. I just willed it to be that way.

So even now any modifications and small adjustments are made with a scrutiny honed from years of feeling like I didn't have the right to follow my own instincts.

Since 2012, this blog has been my therapy and my vehicle for exploring this weighty subject. During that time the advancement we have made as a community has been nothing short of extraordinary.

My own self-acceptance has been longer than it could have been and now I am working on removing the vestiges of the rigorious machinations that every action I took received. This subject was so serious for me that I had fashioned obstacles at every turn which were stifling me.

People who have never questioned their gender don't have to overthink things like we do. Hence, for my own sake I have focused my energy on ceasing a practice which had become virtually hard wired.



Comments

  1. Oh, Joanna, so absolutely correct; none of the rest of the world ever overthink things the way we do!
    It was last October when I suddenly realized that the only person who had to forgive me and accept me, was me, and once that was done, other impediments could be dealt with, because I loved and accepted myself.

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  2. I can see that you are there Halle and am very glad for you!

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  3. I agree with both of you. I've always over-thought things and Joanna's post really resonated with me. I think it comes (came? hope so) from always knowing on some level that I had this gender "issue" (for lack of a better term) that I needed to guard against others finding out. I was thus constantly living a lie and, like liars experience, keeping track of my story so I could stand up to questioning - not that that ever really happened. Not much, anyway.

    Here's an instance: about ten years ago I was getting into fiction writing, and met monthly with a couple of men for dinner and a writer's group. I sent them a story about a woman who had an unexpected affair with a man. One of my dinner companions remarked about how I seemed to channel her experience so remarkably well: her clothes, behaviors, etc. At that moment I froze, backpedalling out of the scrutiny with utmost care, trying not to call attention to my worry by over-reacting but changing the subject nonetheless. And thus I never wrote about such characters and situations again.

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  4. our biggest fear is being ourselves and we are constantly apologizing in our minds for trying to be that way. Enough is enough!

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