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trans versus fetish

There seems to be two schools of thought which seem diametrically opposed but, for me, actually contain some overlap. These are that you are either transgender or you have a fetish.

That there is a sexual component connected to being transgender need not come as a surprise. After all how can you express a wish/need to be another gender and not have aspects of that desire be at least partially sexualized?

Today people have more choice than ever and can self-label as they like. Some are more content calling themselves a fetishist while others prefer the label transgender but if you examine their lives you may find a great degree of overlap between them.

For me, the "rubber hits the road" question is this: are you going to be happier living as the other gender yes or no? it’s actually that simple. Forget about the stigmatization of fetish = bad versus transgender = good. That is being moralistic where no such judgment should apply.

To pretend that transition does not work for some people who have experienced sexual fantasies to the idea of changing sex would be disingenuous because clearly it does.

I used to fall for this trap myself and now I don’t think it’s actually even possible to have male anatomy, be attracted to women and desire to be a female and not have that intrinsic contradiction show up in your sexual fantasies.

The trick is to understand this element exists and own it but also think past it. Because if that sexual component is the only thing that drives you towards a sense of gender identity you might be making a grave mistake. An erotic component need not necessarily invalidate a transgender identity. Just as one can enjoy expressing femininity and not feel in any way transgender.

The secret it to understand where you reside in that spectrum and proceed accordingly and that is easier said than done.


  1. Yes, easier said than done to establish where you're really at under the TG umbrella... I think it takes time, experience, and interactions with other TG people. But that judgment is clouded by the erotic component as we well as whatever shame or guilt one may be carrying.

    About the fetish question: I've thought about this a bunch too and recently considered it may be a chicken or the egg kind of situation. I consider myself born TG having had thoughts and fantasies long before puberty or any sexual awareness. So it seems like an "Of course!" that later I would get sexually turned on by dressing or thoughts of being feminine because my true gender was being confirmed. I'm not sure if I wrote that very clearly...

  2. you were very clear Emma and most of us were just the same as you


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