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dying of embarrassment

Embarrassment over being transgender can be the kiss of death.

You can get stuck in a loop where you try to change because you are so mortified that this happened to you but then nothing you do works. So your life becomes an exercise in distraction where you try to think of anything that will take your mind off this pull you can't eliminate.

It is very common to see us go through a hyper masculine phase where we think that if we try hard enough to be a man's man the thoughts will go away. Sometimes we are even sure that we have succeeded but then it all floods back in like the tide.

I remember being on that Europe trip in 1986 and having a dysphoria panic attack where I almost wanted to get on the next plane and go home. My female expression was land locked for 2 whole months and my only tool to curb my dysphoria was gone.

I was able to be more successful at managing when I was younger but now there is nothing to talk myself out of. I have gender dysphoria and it requires management - end of story. Along with that resolute knowledge has come the evaporation of the embarrassment and the all-consuming feeling that I was letting someone down by succumbing to its treatment.

Truth be told even if were 100% certain I had to transition, I am afraid not to be able to support my children financially and have to face all those people who've known me as a slightly different person. But just because I don't have plans to transition doesn't mean I don't support your own decisions to forge ahead. Anyone who does so has gone through a deep reflection and knows in their bones it was the right thing. For some of you it has meant the difference between living and dying.

This is why its maddening sometimes when we see some people refer to this as a lifestyle choice. It just makes me think: I'd love to see you try this on for size. They call this the transgender fad not understanding that this new environment is more condusive to us coming out. Most are driven by their own deep-seated prejudices.

Gender dysphoria is not for the faint of heart so in order to find an answer you need to have your full wits about you. In that regard, dropping the shame, embarassment and guilt becomes a prerequisite.


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another coming out

Recently I had lunch with one of the young estimators who occasionally works with me here in Toronto. We were chatting about work and our respective lives when she queried about my love life:

“So how is it going on that front. Meet anyone interesting lately?”

I reflected for a moment and then said:

“My situation is a little particular and if you don’t mind I can share something about myself”

She leaned in a bit and told me to please go ahead.

“I am trans” I said matter of factly.

She looked at me and smiled and said:

“Really? That’s so neat”

She is 35 years old and a lovely person which is why I knew I could confide in her. I then added that I had been reflecting on whether I would switch companies and begin working as Joanna and although she is totally open she also knows how conservative our business can be. So I told her that if I did decide to it would definitely be under a different umbrella.

Then yesterday I was coming back to my place and the lady who rents it to me, who is abo…

feeling sexy

Here are the results of a recent survey of genetic women:

“A new hairdo, walking in heels and a glowing tan are among the things that make a woman feel sexy. Freshly applied lipstick, newly-shaved legs and a little black dress also have a positive effect on the psyche”

Are you surprised? I’m not because it is exactly the same list that makes transgender women feel sexy.

For a long time the idea was pandered about that transsexualism was rooted exclusively in aberrant sexuality. But of course you cannot separate the sexuality from the individual because that forms part of their overall makeup and the fact that genetic and transsexual women overlap here surprises no one.

We should also add here that women aren't always thinking about sex and neither are transgender women.

Pre transition transsexuals would not readily admit they found these things sexy because they were afraid to be seen as perverted men in front of gatekeepers who understood nothing about their condition.

Today we kn…

Being transgender isn't exclusively a problem of aberrant sexuality

If being transgender were exclusively a problem of aberrant sexuality, then I would seem to be an exception to the rule.

To date I have lived my life like a choir boy and have had low libido throughout. I have yet to ever see a porn film and both my ex-wife and ex-girlfriend complained about my lack of sex drive. I also knew I was different from a very young age.

This is why the accusation that male to female transgender persons attracted to women are perverts doesn’t hold much water with me. I was mortified when I hit puberty and realized that my desire to be female had taken on sexual overtones and I ended up, like most of you, repeatedly throwing things in the bin as a repudiation. In fact, accepting that my sexuality has been permanently impacted was the hardest pill to swallow in my journey to become a fully realized transgender person.

That is why I say to those who are still concerned about what outsiders who haven’t lived your personal experience have to say about you should l…