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going exploring

As a person who had been in hiding and denial for so long I have sometimes wondered how much of my behavior was modified in order to fit in and where did the real person that should have been me begin. How much is the feminine expression I now allow myself to exhibit actually innate.

This is the thought process I am now going through and I am giving myself plenty of time to answer the question.

Every person is a combination of both genders. Not every girl plays exclusively with Barbie dolls or every boy only with trucks which is part of the root question of what constitutes gender identity. But what makes us feel male or female and why are transgender people so pulled towards the other gender instead of feeling completely comfortable in their own?

Part of the answer undoubtedly lies in the incredible complexity that is the human being. The brain with its complex patterns of neurons and intricate connections are impacted virtually from the moment of conception. The washes of hormones need to happen with consummate timing in order to guarantee a normal male or female baby. One example of things going astray in this intricate process is ending up with an intersex child. But then what happens exclusively in the brain is much harder to detect.

There is little question in my mind that transgender people are a combination of nature and nurture but the proclivity to behave in a certain way starts very early in life. I didn’t really know I was a boy until my mother told me I wasn’t supposed to wear her shoes and that scolding marked me for life in a very profound way.

We are guided and slotted into a box and told to stay there and so I complied.

Unraveling that puzzle is now a more complex task due to the careful sculpting that has gone into creating a credible persona that people wouldn’t reject. The more effort that went into its fashioning the more challenging the process of breaking down the components becomes.

This is why I need time.

At the end of this process nothing may change for me but my analytical mind wants to know who I really am and I have been afforded the time to do so. Since I was very young I have lived inside my head and intrinsically understood that I was different from others. That difference required concealing if I was going to fit in.

Now it’s time to go exploring.


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