Friday, 22 July 2016

seeing where the road goes

I am out to everyone that matters to me in my life and there is no shortage of relief in that. Something that was unthinkable in the past became an absolute necessity as time wore on.

We all have a need for authenticity and who we are inside cannot be suppressed indefinitely. For a time denial seemed to work for me but I paid a price in that I had to live as if my body was compressed into a tight ball where I dare not move an inch in any direction. In retrospect it seems obvious I should have done this sooner but when you are so invested in living a lie you cannot gain perspective because you do not permit yourself an alternate narrative.

I am at a crossroads once again where my kids are almost grown and I have no major goals to aim for other than to stay physically and mentally healthy.

All of my insides feel different and yet it is almost difficult to relate to who I was because the change was so incremental. If I go back to the first entries of this blog I can read the words but I have trouble relating emotionally to the turmoil I was feeling.

Those of us of my generation and older were in some ways victims of our eras in that very little was known about gender dysphoria and how to treat it. Our families were ill equipped to understand and we were less than excited about coming out and risk being ridiculed or branded as a social pariah by our peers. As bad as things sometimes are for these kids today they were worse for us which is less a complaint than a fact.

At times I have used the gender dysphoria analogy with my son (who I am extremely proud of by the way) as he battles through his anxiety. In this way he understands through my experience that we all have our own challenges to overcome.

2 comments:

  1. Nice post, and again, one of many I can relate to, at least partially.

    I am out to lots of my local trans friends but the only non-trans person who knows, other than the spouses of some of my trans friends, is my wife. At this point, I have no plans to change this. Perhaps someday when I am not in the working world.

    Those who know me know that I have a lot of frustration in my life, associated with the need to transition. I do fight it pretty well every day. I can't begin to tell you how much I resent growing up in a generation when there was no support structure around at the time I should have transitioned.

    Calie xxx

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  2. I can really understand your frustration Calie. We thought we were crazy and had no support and little information. You have always impressed me with your resilience in that regard and find it inspiring.

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