Friday, 5 August 2016

my body is a shell

There is little question that dysphoria worsens with age and so an escalated response seems to be required. At least this is what I am finding in my own life.

Living part time has been that solution for me and, while it is not perfect, I also know with more certainty than ever that I will never transition. I won't because I don't feel I need to in order to treat my dysphoria and because there are always compromises to be made regardless which path is chosen in this life. The main difference is that I have adjusted to the devil I know.

I have come to that place where anxiety over being transgender no longer holds me prisoner because I understand myself and how my dysphoria impacts my psyche. One cannot live indefinitely in repression and so I just accept the fact that I am like this and get on with my life.

As I age I see my body more as a shell that contains a spirit full of thoughts, emotions and creative power. These are all qualities independent of the physical.

Reading the comments on the latest Crossdreamers article by Lisa Mullin reminded me how much passion there is over this issue and rightfully so I suppose since it has caused so many to suffer. The fact that we can debate is because so much solid information is missing which becomes more incumbent on you to be happy with your own life and with whatever decisions you have taken.

The so called "experts" working in this field are skating on thin ice most of the time anyway.

4 comments:

  1. Oh, yes. But it is the dysphoria which makes your body a shell. Without dysphoria, many people enjoy their bodies. The problem is the discrimination from outside. Without that, we might be able to enjoy our bodies too.

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    1. You are not wrong in this Clare and I am painfully aware but I have made a decision given my imperfect reality. No matter what I do there are compromises to be made...

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  2. Joanna, The notion that dysphoria worsens with age is an appalling idea for me. I keep thinking it will just fad away like the acne of the teen years. I have been going through a particularly bad patch of late with sleep being particularly elusive even though I am bone-weary. I'm so glad you have made peace with yourself and have develop a way to cope with the competing needs and desires of your life without having to fully transition. That is also the path I am on, but at the moment it has taken on Everest proportions. I imagine that things will eventually settle back into a more reasonable pattern. Still the thought that these troughs will not only continue but may become even more intense is both daunting and a bit frightening. Happy Friday!

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    1. Hi Katie as long as you find a solution that works for you it should be okay. I guess what I am trying to say is that untreated dysphoria does seem to worsen. I was able to fight with less effort when I was young and if I did not live oart time today I would be a complete wreck.

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