Wednesday, 24 August 2016

the non-transitioning trans person

Jack Molay’s latest Crossdreamers article got me thinking.

Much is left to be written on the non-transitioning transgender person because the fact is that the vast majority of us will not do so; at least not fully. For those of us that are strongly dysphoric it poses unique challenges that involve weighing previous life commitments, beliefs and economic factors.

For me the most important element here is that a dysphoric person cannot worry about imposed societal guilt or shame which must be eliminated at all costs if they are going to begin a journey towards internal peace. No clear thinking will happen without it with the risk that the person will end up in a vicious loop of despair and disillusionment because they cannot achieve an ideal that they had painted in their mind.

Perhaps that ideal was to have been born a girl.

In some ways I still continue to see gender dysphoria as an illness. It can act as a trickster and have you think that you can only find fulfillment by undergoing a complete transformation when I don’t believe that this is necessarily true; at least not for everyone.

Perhaps the best goal might be to find the best version of you which honours the gender non-conformity that seems to be a natural part of who you are. Here there are no hard and fast rules and you are given the task of writing your own manual. But it is clear that transition need not be nor should be the ultimate target of every transgender person.

For a number of reasons I have already stated here my aim is not to transition but not because I don’t see that as a favorable goal. It is because I have achieved internal resolution without it and forging ahead would be going too far. This is not the case for all you and I am deeply aware of this.

The hardest part is finding what your own balance point is and that can take years to arrive at. But rest assured that there is no wrong answer if you reflect deeply and honestly on this difficult question. At least this was my experience.

For me it was not one pivotal moment that decided all but instead a series of little victories aimed towards allowing myself the dignity of defining who I was rather than let someone else do that for me. It sounds deceivingly simple and yet can be very difficult when you have lived under the oppressive weight of indoctrination for as long as I did.

Its important to remember that to a great extent the gender binary has historically been used to enslave people and have them fit into predetermined boxes whether they wanted to or not.

Except that there has hardly been a better time to renounce that idea than today.


2 comments:

  1. The "non transitioning trans person" group constitutes almost all trans people!

    For most of our lives those of us who do finally take that step have been in the non transitioning group. Our lives are totally dominated by thoughts of what could have been, what could be and all the imaginary hurdles stopping us from making that change. society generally and fanatical sub groups of society more so do their best to shut us away to maintain there idealised view of the world.

    We all make our choices. I regret that my early attempts at getting help were thwarted by the medical "profession" who assured me that it would never happen in my lifetime. that same organisation now is pro active in supporting the whole alphabet spectrum of non gender binary and sexually orientated.

    Too late in life those endless circular thought patterns which filled my head have vanished, no more sleepless nights of inner turmoil just peace. I made the leap of faith and proved all my fears to be unfounded.

    The more of us who can make that leap of faith and show the world that we exist and are not the monsters they think we are the better it will be for the uncountable millions out there we know exist in a state of unhappiness.

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  2. It is a very difficult process Coline and many of us have way too much baggage to take that leap of faith. I count myself among them and I am not certain that going all the way would make me any happier although I do admit that the circular pattern in the head is something I could do without and you are so right there. Unresolved dysphoria is not an easy thing to live with to be sure and at times I have my doubts about the way I am proceeding.

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