This was my first hint that this was something I had not created and which caused me great distress. In order to impregnate my then wife I had to use mental imagery to somehow put myself in the role of the female.
When I was little my dressing was not giving me excessive grief. I hid it well enough and it was sufficiently sporadic in nature plus I suspected that I eventually would simply outgrow it. I wanted to be a normal boy for me and for the family who loved me but I had this draw to being female. Discovering this sexual anomaly was just another clear and concrete sign that something was wrong with me. My sexual appetite was affected as well although this may not be linked to my dysphoria.
Since I did not have sexual relations until my early thirties due to my strict religious upbringing, I never suspected that things wouldn't be able to work as they should. After all, I was attracted to women and they gave me erections but then so did the thought of being one since I hit puberty.
It was a contradiction that would occupy the next two decades of my life trying to comprehend.
Now in my early fifties the sexual potency is reduced and I cannot even ejaculate inside a woman anymore even with the aid of imagery. This happens to many males as they age but the added complexity for me is that there is a contradiction present. There is nothing to be done about it but accept it and so I have.
For some of you this is something you may have had an easier time coming to terms with but for me it was anathema. Today I try and view all this much more dispassionately because nothing will change but this blog exists today in large part because of the suffering and confusion this reality caused.