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the crumpled paper

People who don’t know what gender dysphoria is like might be tempted to think:

"what’s the big deal you’re just blending two genders"

or

"you are just crossdressing so what!"

But that’s not it at all is it?

Those simplistic answers might work for people who just got up one day and decided they were going to be gender variant just for the fun of it. Nothing could be further from the truth for the gender dysphoric person.

Our problem is that most of us are taught to fight our natural instincts from day one so when we caved in to them in any way we felt absolutely terrible. For the longest time I felt like a complete failure for simply being myself.

The programming we endure is pervasive and unrelenting. It follows you everywhere and you are told how to behave, how to sit, how to dress and what toys you are allowed to play with from the moment we are waking human beings.

Undoing all of this takes a long and arduous battle of deprogramming. Add to that religious orthodoxy and it’s a small wonder I am not locked up in a padded room today.

I look at my life now as un-crumpling a piece of paper that has been compressed into a tight ball over time. Removing the wrinkles of damage is a slow process and has taken me years but I am finally succeeding at returning to the roots of who I always wanted to be as a person but wasn’t allowed to.

With each passing day that paper starts to slowly resemble something closer to the pristine.


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