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being thankful

There have been darker times when I wanted my gender issues gone because it has not made my life easier. “Just give me cancer and let me go” I would ask God before I drifted off to sleep.

There is no question that living with dysphoria is no picnic and yet I always found a way to find light again. Most of my distress has come from buying into a narrative for so long and now having to write a new one for myself. This is much harder to do when you are in your fifties than in your twenties.

I mentioned this to my mother the other day and she told me it would have been easier if I had transitioned young and to do so now would be too difficult. I agree with that assessment but not because I am afraid but because I am still unconvinced my life would be so much better. If that opinion ever changes then I would consider it.

Life is never perfect for anyone and challenges exist irrespective of what you do. What often happens is that you trade one set of challenges for some new ones. This is why I strive to be happy just as I am and, in spite of living with gender dysphoria, I am a content person.

There is very little that I lack and am fortunate for my education, financial status, health, intelligence and for my family.

Dark periods come and go but if they are part of the minority of your waking hours then we must consider ourselves very fortunate indeed.


  1. I have felt the same way about my gender dysphoria. I ride my bike a lot and I used to wish someone would just finish me off. Thankfully that didn't happen. I also joined the 41% last April.

    These days I'm doing much much better. For one thing, your blog has helped me a lot. Mostly it's because I've been making progress on my own Hero's Journey and can see a faint light at the end of the tunnel.

    Sometimes I think that I'm actually so much better off with GD than without. I think I'm a better person because of it. Sure, it has challenges but what doesn't? We are very nice people. Gifted in many ways.

    I'm grateful that I, too, have health, financial security, my wife and friends, and overall, I'm blessed. We will always have varying challenges and hurts and feelings. That's part of life of course.

    I'm now reading a wonderful new book by Brene Brown, "Rising Strong." I highly recommend it. Lots of wisdom for ourselves as well as our loved ones.

    1. I am going to look up the book Emma....thank you!


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