Skip to main content

being thankful

There have been darker times when I wanted my gender issues gone because it has not made my life easier. “Just give me cancer and let me go” I would ask God before I drifted off to sleep.

There is no question that living with dysphoria is no picnic and yet I always found a way to find light again. Most of my distress has come from buying into a narrative for so long and now having to write a new one for myself. This is much harder to do when you are in your fifties than in your twenties.

I mentioned this to my mother the other day and she told me it would have been easier if I had transitioned young and to do so now would be too difficult. I agree with that assessment but not because I am afraid but because I am still unconvinced my life would be so much better. If that opinion ever changes then I would consider it.

Life is never perfect for anyone and challenges exist irrespective of what you do. What often happens is that you trade one set of challenges for some new ones. This is why I strive to be happy just as I am and, in spite of living with gender dysphoria, I am a content person.

There is very little that I lack and am fortunate for my education, financial status, health, intelligence and for my family.

Dark periods come and go but if they are part of the minority of your waking hours then we must consider ourselves very fortunate indeed.


Comments

  1. I have felt the same way about my gender dysphoria. I ride my bike a lot and I used to wish someone would just finish me off. Thankfully that didn't happen. I also joined the 41% last April.

    These days I'm doing much much better. For one thing, your blog has helped me a lot. Mostly it's because I've been making progress on my own Hero's Journey and can see a faint light at the end of the tunnel.

    Sometimes I think that I'm actually so much better off with GD than without. I think I'm a better person because of it. Sure, it has challenges but what doesn't? We are very nice people. Gifted in many ways.

    I'm grateful that I, too, have health, financial security, my wife and friends, and overall, I'm blessed. We will always have varying challenges and hurts and feelings. That's part of life of course.

    I'm now reading a wonderful new book by Brene Brown, "Rising Strong." I highly recommend it. Lots of wisdom for ourselves as well as our loved ones.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am going to look up the book Emma....thank you!

      Delete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

looking past cross gender arousal

Jack’s latest Crossdreamers post got me thinking about cross gender arousal and how it could be avoided; also whether it even matters. This with particular focus on the inability to relate of someone on the outside looking in.

You see, sexuality is a very complicated thing to begin with and when you then add gender identity ambiguity it becomes a recipe to really confuse someone.

So imagine that you are a little boy who identifies as a girl but then along comes puberty and short circuits everything by having the sex you identify with also be the sex you are attracted to. For in essence this is what happens to all all male to female gender dysphoric trans persons who are attracted to women.

So I ask myself: can I imagine a scenario where this inherent contradiction would not produce sexual confusion? The answer is that I cannot.

I am in the unique position, like many of you, to have experienced an early identification with the feminine become sexualized later on. This brought confusion…

understanding the erotic component

I have written about crossed wires before in two separate posts. The idea is that one cannot pass through puberty and the development of sexual feelings for females and not have your pre-existing gender dysphoria be impacted through your psychosexual development. The hormone responsible for your libido is testosterone which is present in much stronger concentration in males and is why gynephilics are most likely to experience erotic overtones as the conflict between romantic external feelings and their pull towards the feminine become permanently intertwined.

Because I came from a deeply religious family where sex was not discussed much at all, I grew up with little access to information and was very much ignorant of matters relating to the subject. With no firsthand experience in intercourse until I married I was then faced with the reality that my ability to perform sexually had been deeply impacted by my dysphoric feelings. This began years of turmoil and self-deprecating thoughts …

a blending

An interesting thing is happening to me: as I have fully embraced being transgender my male and female anima are becoming blended. The female side is no longer an unwelcome appendage which, as a result, has allowed me to craft a more genuine and happier male image.

I dress when I want to and sometimes I cut outings shorter than before. I am my own master in this regard and feel in control.

Don't get me wrong in that the dysphoria is not going away and is sometimes like a wild stallion that threatens to jump the fence but I have learnt to understand it’s demands after all these years hence a transition for me is definitely not in the cards. At this point I am not even foreseeing a social one.

The two sides are no longer in conflict and they are now intertwined to create a fusion that is unique to me. That answer finally came when I reached a full level of self assurance about who I am and learned to embrace that I am trans and yes, that includes my dysphoria's erotic undertones…