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the slow reveal

Most trans people (especially those from the pre-internet era) rarely get their needs met within the context of a relationship. The answer is simple: we started off as our own worst enemies and often thought ourselves lucky just to have someone who tolerated the way we were. Others hid and hoped it would all go away.

I am saying this because I have read so many blogs of people who have experienced the same thing and because it was that same way in my own marriage. As a result many of us settle for that one outing a month to a support meeting and spend the rest of the time thinking about the next one. This is not much of a life in my opinion.

I don’t blame the partners as many didn’t sign up for this from the outset. Even those that knew may have seen things escalate to a point beyond what they expected. The fact is that we tend to discover ourselves so slowly and then can’t roll things back once at a new plateau. I would never put Joanna back in the box but not only because I don’t want to but because I cannot.

I feel bad for those of you who feel stuck with no pat answers for what to do. You may love your spouse deeply but they may be justified in claiming that they fell for false advertising when they married you. This is the price to pay for a late coming out party when you realize who you really were all along.

I would dearly love to see the day when no transgender person feels compelled to hide any part of themselves from the outset and self-realizes early enough to avoid a gut wrenching revelation in the middle of a relationship.

From what I can see so far, the next generations will do far better than we did.


  1. From my experience my reveal felt and feels very slow but for my wife it feels like a tsunami. I first broached my cross dressing with her when we were engaged over twenty years ago. She couldn't stand it and I gladly purged and swore it off. You can imagine how that went.

    Thirteen years ago I did it again, with a dissertation-like essay that presented it all as "okay" on the assumption that she'd agree. No joy! Another purge...

    Two years ago after finally coming out to my therapist I had some couples meeting with her and him where I said I had to explore. It was gut wrenching for all. Wow. But I did. It was a hero's journey. Very risky both for me and for her.

    She's praised my coming to grips with the reality of my gender dysphoria but also found it hard to figure out how our marriage will deal with it. This has been and remains a challenge.

    I think and I hope that we just take it a day at a time. I'm working on patience. Thankfully I'm much calmer than I was two years ago which I chalk up to not feeling like I'm living a lie.

    I write this because I hope it helps others who visit your wonderful writings.


  2. Thanks Emma we have all had to go through the same challenges of coming to terms within the context of a relationship and it is extremely difficult to manage most of the time. Perhaps in the end most of us with gender issues are not truly meant to be with someone else....


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