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growing up lacking information

If you are going to manage your dysphoria without transition you need to develop a tolerance for an almost schizophrenic type existence. This means fully embracing gender behavior that clearly falls outside of the norm (which I now have by necessity). However, in spite of my high level of self-acceptance, there are still times I distress at how difficult this can be.

I don’t need or desire transition however my level of dysphoria will not be quenched with a once a month or even once a week outing. This has meant doing away with the idea of having a normal life and permitting the management of my dysphoria in whatever way works. This has been the price of being caught in an uncomfortable middle.

On my bad days I wish that I could push a button and have it all go away. But then on the good days I think that being this way has helped forge my character as a person. This is what I told my friend Lyne the other day over coffee as she struggles with some work and personal issues.

I always remember that I had to come from so far back and overcome fervently religious instruction in a traditional household that also extoled discipline from me. So it has been a longer road back because I aimed to be a pleaser even if I had an independent and analytical mind.

The only other recent example from this era I have found to compare to is Abby Stein who was a Hassidic Jewish male growing up without access to social media or television and realizing there was something different about his gender identity. She is now transitioning but clearly, except for these rare cases, having a childhood like mine is almost impossible today unless you live under a rock.




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No, I don't mind

When Halle and I last got together the woman serving us said:

"I can't wait to get home and take off my bra you know what I mean ladies?"

Arguably the statement wasn't the most elegant thing to say to perfect strangers but it made me reflect.

The thing is I don't mind wearing a bra because it is one more reminder that I am trans. Feeling my breast forms pressed up against my skin and cupped within the confines of my bra makes me comfortable and is another piece which contributes towards soothing my gender dysphoria.

There are days when the combination of the feel of my bra and forms, the pull of my dangly earrings and the feel of my feet in heels is a powerful combination which feeds my soul. I used to think this was me fooling myself until I finally admitted that my identity is being affirmed through these accoutrements. They are like badges that allow me to be addressed and treated in the manner I want; like a woman.

The gender identity of cis people is fed in …