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growing up lacking information

If you are going to manage your dysphoria without transition you need to develop a tolerance for an almost schizophrenic type existence. This means fully embracing gender behavior that clearly falls outside of the norm (which I now have by necessity). However, in spite of my high level of self-acceptance, there are still times I distress at how difficult this can be.

I don’t need or desire transition however my level of dysphoria will not be quenched with a once a month or even once a week outing. This has meant doing away with the idea of having a normal life and permitting the management of my dysphoria in whatever way works. This has been the price of being caught in an uncomfortable middle.

On my bad days I wish that I could push a button and have it all go away. But then on the good days I think that being this way has helped forge my character as a person. This is what I told my friend Lyne the other day over coffee as she struggles with some work and personal issues.

I always remember that I had to come from so far back and overcome fervently religious instruction in a traditional household that also extoled discipline from me. So it has been a longer road back because I aimed to be a pleaser even if I had an independent and analytical mind.

The only other recent example from this era I have found to compare to is Abby Stein who was a Hassidic Jewish male growing up without access to social media or television and realizing there was something different about his gender identity. She is now transitioning but clearly, except for these rare cases, having a childhood like mine is almost impossible today unless you live under a rock.




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sample pages...