We look back at our lives armed with today's knowledge and we can understand why certain things occurred. At the time they made little sense to us.
When I was very young I played the delicate balance of doing what was expected and what I secretly desired. The latter could only be achieved in the privacy of my own room or when the family was out. I cherished those moments when I could be on my own and, no sooner had the car left the driveway I was already in my mother’s closet picking out something to wear.
At first her shoes were too large but it didn’t take too many years for that to change. It was the impetus for my first tentative steps out to purchase something that would invariably end up in a dumpster; something that was always purchased for “someone else”.
Today living as a woman part time would have seemed unimaginable to that young version of myself. That Jekyll and Hyde struggle with my psyche occupied so much wasted energy but it was all in a futile attempt to change something that couldn't be altered. I just didn’t know that at the time.
Today there is calm resignation which has taken the place of that struggle. But I was one hard nut to crack. Perhaps it is why, once converted, I approach the battle against those who think us freaks with that same intensity.
Most of us have suffered enough and it is time to look back at our lives and take stock for there are lessons to be drawn from what has come before.