Skip to main content

life throws you curve balls

Life has thrown me a few curve balls to be sure. The biggest one was having to deal with gender dysphoria right from a young age and finding a way to cope.

But of course there have been other challenges and today I stand at an interesting crossroads where my children are flirting with adulthood and my career is coming slowly to an end.

I now get to live a little more for me and will reflect on how I want to spend my remaining years; however long that may be.

I have learnt valuable lessons along the way because I do believe that adversity breeds resourcefulness and helps forge character. In that sense I don’t regret the challenges one bit although when I was mired in the depths of my gender struggles and my marriage was imploding I didn’t have the foresight to think that it was possible to survive and even thrive.

I am an intellectual, so everything must be sliced and diced and examined under a microscope which is both good and bad. I don’t know any other way to be but over analysis can help prevent a shipwreck while at the same time prevent a decision which might ultimately improve your existence. I am only wired for the former.

I am not sure being transgender is a source of pride but it is certainly not the scourge it once was to me. It is a way of being the way other people are different and have their own uniqueness. Accepting yourself is pivotal to internal peace and there is no other way around it.

All I can say is that after living a little over half a century I can see the curve balls coming a little sooner now.


Comments

  1. Continue to see the spin out of the pitcher's hand.

    ReplyDelete
  2. As one mid-fifties lady to another, I, too, lost many productive years (17 of them, in fact) before being able to fully come out. I lost a productive business, a marriage, stepson, mother, uncle, and home once I began transition. The late eighties and the nineties were just a step removed from the "stone knives and bearskins" era our 'sixties and 'seventies forerunners had to endure. Thank goodness today's groups of trans youth and older will not have to endure as much hardship as we've had to face and lose precious years in the process of becoming themselves.

    Peace be with you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. glad to know you are you in a good place finally Maura

      Delete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

looking past cross gender arousal

Jack’s latest Crossdreamers post got me thinking about cross gender arousal and how it could be avoided; also whether it even matters. This with particular focus on the inability to relate of someone on the outside looking in.

You see, sexuality is a very complicated thing to begin with and when you then add gender identity ambiguity it becomes a recipe to really confuse someone.

So imagine that you are a little boy who identifies as a girl but then along comes puberty and short circuits everything by having the sex you identify with also be the sex you are attracted to. For in essence this is what happens to all all male to female gender dysphoric trans persons who are attracted to women.

So I ask myself: can I imagine a scenario where this inherent contradiction would not produce sexual confusion? The answer is that I cannot.

I am in the unique position, like many of you, to have experienced an early identification with the feminine become sexualized later on. This brought confusion…

understanding the erotic component

I have written about crossed wires before in two separate posts. The idea is that one cannot pass through puberty and the development of sexual feelings for females and not have your pre-existing gender dysphoria be impacted through your psychosexual development. The hormone responsible for your libido is testosterone which is present in much stronger concentration in males and is why gynephilics are most likely to experience erotic overtones as the conflict between romantic external feelings and their pull towards the feminine become permanently intertwined.

Because I came from a deeply religious family where sex was not discussed much at all, I grew up with little access to information and was very much ignorant of matters relating to the subject. With no firsthand experience in intercourse until I married I was then faced with the reality that my ability to perform sexually had been deeply impacted by my dysphoric feelings. This began years of turmoil and self-deprecating thoughts …

a blending

An interesting thing is happening to me: as I have fully embraced being transgender my male and female anima are becoming blended. The female side is no longer an unwelcome appendage which, as a result, has allowed me to craft a more genuine and happier male image.

I dress when I want to and sometimes I cut outings shorter than before. I am my own master in this regard and feel in control.

Don't get me wrong in that the dysphoria is not going away and is sometimes like a wild stallion that threatens to jump the fence but I have learnt to understand it’s demands after all these years hence a transition for me is definitely not in the cards. At this point I am not even foreseeing a social one.

The two sides are no longer in conflict and they are now intertwined to create a fusion that is unique to me. That answer finally came when I reached a full level of self assurance about who I am and learned to embrace that I am trans and yes, that includes my dysphoria's erotic undertones…