Thursday, 5 January 2017

letting the chips fall where they may

Some of you have written to me and let me know what kind of difficult tightrope you walk in balancing dealing with your dysphoria while being in long and committed relationships. The sad reality is that the majority compromise because the presence of the “other woman” is almost always an unwelcome one.

No this post is not about blaming the partners.

I am at a junction in my life where I have thought about what would happen if I were to be faced with meeting someone and having to deal with supressing even part of my identity as a transgender person. What I am realizing more and more is that I cannot.

Most of my friends and family members are in varying states of relationship status: from single, divorced, to dating to long time married and no model strikes me as ideal.

Recently I listened to a narrative of a woman on CBC radio about the hazards of Christmas at her household. She was a holiday optimist who prepared months in advance and her husband a Grinch of astronomic proportions who couldn’t make sense of the fuss. At the end of the story she states that the hardest thing she has ever had to do it learn to live with another person and adjust to the invariable ups and downs.

It is not easy to share a life with another person whose life history, priorities and perspective are not aligned with yours and it is a myth that opposites attract. Although they may initially, there is more likelihood of success if there is commonality of life vision and values.

Dysphoria doesn’t give you much leeway and the thought of living for the next chance to escape brings me to despondence. But as a start I have made a resolution never to look, never go online or even accept some awkward pre-arranged blind date.

Perhaps one day I will be out as Joanna and by happenstance meet someone that way and they will meet the male side later. At least that would turn the tables on the way I used to imagine things going when revealing what constitutes my entire personhood. Perhaps nothing will ever happen which is also fine.

My resolution now is to live true to myself above all and let the chips fall where they may as happiness comes from within and someone else who is right for you can only help compliment it.

My 18 year old daughter is beginning to see a young man and I do not presume to advise her. Her mother and I have raised her to respect herself and others and to be a good person above all. All I have told her is that be prepared for the inevitable twists and turns that this life has to offer because you never know what lies ahead.

In fact, if you had told the 18 year old me where I would be today I wouldn't have believed you.


2 comments:

  1. Hi Joanna,

    Yes, I'm walking the tightrope with my wife at one end and my trans self at the other, with no net to fall into! Perhaps that is why I'm so careful to try to fully understand my transgender nature so that I can be truthful with her and myself. I'm committed to fully accepting and appreciating myself regardless of the consequences but I don't want to rock the boat too much if i don't have to.

    Emma

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    1. a massive challenge to be sure Emma. Just breathe through your nose and take it one day at a time...

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