Skip to main content

an unnatural fit

Reading the recent T-central featured post “Just When I Thought Things were Fine” written from the perspective of a partner brought up familiar memories: the transgender person and the spouse both doing their best to manage in a situation that is less than ideal for either.

The female sees her male partner as needing his “fix” while he begins to realise that there is more to this than a fetish, habit or "hobby". In this scenario no one really comes out a winner. I am not saying that it cannot be done only that both need to add a generous dose of water to their wine to make things work.

I understand and feel for both sides completely which is why I would never enter into that type of situation again. She wants and deserves a normal man and he has the right to honour a transgender nature which isn’t going anywhere and is not particularly welcome.

The only way this partnership can truly work is if she is more than just tolerant and he is not going to transition (presuming of course that this is a make or break limit) and can move back and forth between presentations easily and readily without being made to feel guilty. This ideal situation necessitates that the woman be bisexual or at least can look beyond the clothing and see a whole person.

All other scenarios are variations of both sides tolerating which I will personally never accept again as I don't just want to be tolerated and shouldn't expect anyone to. I would rather be permanently alone.

Let's be clear: absolutely no one is at fault here but the reality is that you have an unnatural fit taking place where potentially one or the other will tire of the situation and leave.

I have been in that scenario myself and have read enough about the situations of others to know how this works.


  1. All good points and, indeed, I have been there, done that, etc.

    When I featured that post, I said that there comes a point where the trans half needs to know when to back off. My thinking at that point was relating to the many CD friends I have and discussions we have had on the subject.

    I don't consider myself a crossdresser but, knowing many in the local trans community, I have met several - no many - who I refer to as "career crossdressers", meaning that they have absolutely no desire to transition. It is this group that needs to know when to back off. Far too many marriages have been broken due to what the blogger refers to as a "hobby".

    1. that is absolutely true Calie but for those like me who border on being transsexual its not something I can turn on and off. I have come to a place of understanding where the dressing has become my only life line. Still I understand well enough to know what the partner feels like and I always spared them from what they didn't want to see or experience with me.

      Now I am at a point where I have the choice to compromise who I am or not and I don't relish the idea of being with someone who doesn't welcome that part of me because it just isn't a choice.

      But I do know that there are people more on the crossdresser side of the spectrum who can put this more easily in a box and I often wish I were one of them.

    2. Joanna, I certainly would not include you in that group, nor would I include myself.

      My point is....if you're married and you want to stay that way - and you are a CD with no intent on transitioning - then you need to keep the crossdressing under control.

      If one is a transsexual, then nothing outside of absolute strong willed discipline (which is where I consider myself), then the marriage is either sacrificed or the spouse joins in on the transition.

      Some of my good friends, while considering themselves transgender (and, indeed, they probably are if you believe in the idea of a transgender spectrum), consider crossdressing a thrill and not a necessity. The analogy given me by a friend (I've mentioned this before) was that going out in public is comparable to the thrill of landing a jet on an aircraft carrier. This is the kind of person who needs to limit the crossdressing if the spouse is opposed to it.

    3. I wholeheartedly agree with you Calie.

  2. I have two cousins, twins, who invariably will ask me every time I see them why I haven't married. On occasion I have responded, "I haven't met the woman I dislike enough to marry." I generally receive the obligatory chuckle for my feeble attempt at self-deprecating humor. Actually there is more truth in the statement than they may realize. (Although who knows what they really think of me. However, I can guess.) Given the amount of baggage in my life it would be unwise and unfair of me to try to navigate the deep waters of a serious relationship when lugging about this bag of rocks.

    One simply needs to get good at enjoying one's own company and get on with life.

    1. Katie I have been married and now off a serious relationship which lasted almost 6 years and I can tell you there is no perfect formula but the only thing I know for sure is that there is no substitute for being yourself and being loved as you are.
      If you don't find that formula don't settle because anyone who finds you truly worthwhile will accept you exactly as you are.

    2. oh and if that bag of rocks is your being transgender I now feel more than ever that it shouldn't be viewed in a negative light.

    3. If describing being transgender as a burden then I'm afraid I am guilty of a degree of negativity. Being transgender casts a long shadow on life. It adds layer upon layer of complication(s) to day to day living. Admittedly simply living is complicated, always has been and always will be; but our common identity multiples the challenges exponentially. I don't spend a lot of time thinking, "Poor me, what a bad hand was dealt to me," but I am aware of the trials that come my way because of who I am.

    4. Complete 200% in agreement which is why it takes so long to come to terms. One extra layer of complexity the vast majority of people don't need to face...

  3. I must agree with the idea that if one is truly transsexual, there are very few who can sucessfully avoid a full on transition including, (most importantly, srs).
    I also agree that there is a huge and important distinction between the life/situation of a CD'er and that of a TS. Hence my opposition to that poorly defined term, TG.

  4. "This ideal situation necessitates that the woman be bisexual, or at least can look beyond the clothing and see a whole person."

    I think both partners would have to look beyond the clothing and see the whole person. Especially the trans person his- her- their self. The non-trans partner would have to love and be attracted to that trans person, and vice versa.

    Relationships as a trans person must be just that: as a trans person. Living in alternating modes of gender resonance might complicate the relationship game, but it doesn't fundamentally change its object - being with someone who loves you for you.

    1. I agree that "relationships with a trans person must be just that: as a trans person." Because regardless of whether or not we crossdress often or rarely, in private or in public, or our degree of gender dysphoria, we are transgender. It thus adds another complexity to relationships where the partner needs to see and live their trans partner as a whole
      person, including this important and vital aspect to their existence and identity.

  5. it is a very complex situation to be sure. But I have decided that being myself is not up for negotiation. In fact I don't even really have a choice. Hence the cards will land where they may.


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

looking past cross gender arousal

Jack’s latest Crossdreamers post got me thinking about cross gender arousal and how it could be avoided; also whether it even matters. This with particular focus on the inability to relate of someone on the outside looking in.

You see, sexuality is a very complicated thing to begin with and when you then add gender identity ambiguity it becomes a recipe to really confuse someone.

So imagine that you are a little boy who identifies as a girl but then along comes puberty and short circuits everything by having the sex you identify with also be the sex you are attracted to. For in essence this is what happens to all all male to female gender dysphoric trans persons who are attracted to women.

So I ask myself: can I imagine a scenario where this inherent contradiction would not produce sexual confusion? The answer is that I cannot.

I am in the unique position, like many of you, to have experienced an early identification with the feminine become sexualized later on. This brought confusion…

understanding the erotic component

I have written about crossed wires before in two separate posts. The idea is that one cannot pass through puberty and the development of sexual feelings for females and not have your pre-existing gender dysphoria be impacted through your psychosexual development. The hormone responsible for your libido is testosterone which is present in much stronger concentration in males and is why gynephilics are most likely to experience erotic overtones as the conflict between romantic external feelings and their pull towards the feminine become permanently intertwined.

Because I came from a deeply religious family where sex was not discussed much at all, I grew up with little access to information and was very much ignorant of matters relating to the subject. With no firsthand experience in intercourse until I married I was then faced with the reality that my ability to perform sexually had been deeply impacted by my dysphoric feelings. This began years of turmoil and self-deprecating thoughts …

a blending

An interesting thing is happening to me: as I have fully embraced being transgender my male and female anima are becoming blended. The female side is no longer an unwelcome appendage which, as a result, has allowed me to craft a more genuine and happier male image.

I dress when I want to and sometimes I cut outings shorter than before. I am my own master in this regard and feel in control.

Don't get me wrong in that the dysphoria is not going away and is sometimes like a wild stallion that threatens to jump the fence but I have learnt to understand it’s demands after all these years hence a transition for me is definitely not in the cards. At this point I am not even foreseeing a social one.

The two sides are no longer in conflict and they are now intertwined to create a fusion that is unique to me. That answer finally came when I reached a full level of self assurance about who I am and learned to embrace that I am trans and yes, that includes my dysphoria's erotic undertones…