When I was getting married I knew deep down that something was wrong.
It didn’t feel right but I also recall thinking that it was time to get on with my life. My father had died of cancer the year before and I was in my early thirties. After all, this is what normal people do right?
It was a decision I made which although not the best conceived still ended up yielding positive results. I have two children whom I love deeply and an ex-wife who I get along with just fine today. If there are any signs that she regrets our marriage she has yet to show it to me.
I can’t look back to the past and can only look forward and deal with reality which is that I am a borderline transsexual. What I do with that reality is up to me. I don’t see transition as a negative thing in the least but I don’t feel in my bones that I must in order to continue living. It is difficult to live with dysphoria no question but then I have done so for many years with the vast majority of that time using little crossdressing binges to get me by.
My internal discipline is exemplary because I was raised to be that way.
Thus when I compare my ability to grapple with my dysphoria today with what it used to be there is no direct correlation. It is head and shoulders better which is why I can breathe.
My solution may not be optimal and where I to transition I could look back and think why I didn’t do this sooner. Conversely it might not be what I truly need after living over half a century as a male in society and needing to do a complete about face on my history.
One thing I do know for sure is that every path we take in this life comes with a series of obstacles. This cannot be avoided and in that light I see transition as being best undertaken young when those obstacles are prone to be smaller.