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you will get what you think you deserve

I had already prepared this post but then it became even more relevant upon reading Jack's latest Crossdreamers post on finding love.

It’s very common to see trans people feel they are lucky to be with someone who tolerates them and for some this may be very true. For example if you have pushed the envelope into transition after not announcing you were trans from the outset, you should consider yourself very fortunate.

Conversely I think some set themselves up to get only what they think they deserve. What do I mean by this? That our natural self destructiveness conspires to set the bar very low and some of us are prone to settle for someone who is at best not repulsed by the idea that we are transgender. This is not exactly an earth-shattering gold standard.

Yes we represent a needle in a haystack but if we exist then so do they and I am certain that there is statistically a larger group of women who would welcome a transgender partner than our actual percentage in society.

Setting the bar low from the outset will only ensure that both of you will suffer should you realize later into the relationship that you want a freer range of expression than she is prepared to accept. I understand this is hard for people already in existing relationships but for those open to engaging in something new, here is your chance to be who you really are.

Take the time while you are alone to really understand yourself and, once there, be open to possibilities without bending one inch of your identity.


Comments

  1. I love both the title and your points in this post. I think there are many people who capitulate for their marriage or partner because of self-worth issues. It's hard to really know when you're in the middle of it all because a) we often don't know ourselves or what we really want/need very well, b) we know that mature relationships are built around differences, c) it's impossible to predict the future priorities and revelations and our evolution(s).

    Maybe the marriage vows are a bit outdated. I think we would agree that "for better or worse, in sickness and in health" means that no matter what we are married and will stay that way until we pass on. My wife is feeling some guilt about that given that she asked me for a divorce. I told her not to be. I don't want us to stay together out of guilt or obligation. We both know much more about ourselves than we did 20 years ago. It doesn't help though to look backward. We take our marriage seriously but also understand the value of being true to ourselves and the limited time we have. Carpe diem!

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  2. I was in exactly the same spot as you are now back in 2008 Emma and we don't know ourselves fully or perhaps won't admit it. But you cannot live a lie and neither can they. No one is at fault and now you will have a chance to figure out who you really are.

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