Skip to main content

the road

Those of us who have lived longer than we have left to go often take stock of things. We see the segments and sequences that led us where we are today. So when I look back, I realize little about my life has been routine or expected.

I can see portions where I thought things were going to stabilize only to see the apple cart be overturned once again and segments where the wonderfully unexpected happened. I know I am not the only one who can say this because there are surprises in store for all of us.

I have lived most of my life inside my own head and have reflected on everything the way a cow chews its cud which has been both good and bad. Yesterday was one such day where my history came back to me with particular clarity.

I don’t plan anymore and just take things as they come because all of my assumptions have been dead wrong. The only constants have been my ability to analyse and adjust using the values instilled in me by my parents as a guiding compass.

Life is challenging for everyone and yet there is a grace that comes with being able to adjust to its fluidity and unpredictable nature. The more you fight against it the more one suffers. I am now doing things with this axiom in mind and trusting that the road will take me where I need to be.



Comments

  1. 'The road' is an apt metaphor for me, too. My wife and I are in divorce mediation now. Why? Because I am transgender and despite the fact that for all intents and purposes I'm the same person she married 20+ years ago she cannot stand this. Fine.

    Following paperwork filing which I expect by early April I am hitting the road in an RV coach. I don't know where or for how long. My quest is to just be myself, find a new place to settle down.

    I completely agree with the notion of looking forward, not back, but more particularly to live in the moment. I'm almost 61, healthy, and each moment is precious.

    Emma

    P.S. My first thought when I saw the title of your post was the book by Cormac McCarthy! It's a terrific read but also such a tragic and brutal look at the future.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I actually thought about you hitting the road as I wrote this entry Emma. Go and find yourself on it and come back renewed..

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

the pseudoscience behind gender dysphoria

The real science as to what causes gender dysphoria still awaits.

Harry Benjamin was on to something except he didn’t have the scientific evidence to back up his suspicions hence, like a true scientist, he negated to draw conclusions. His hunch, based on treating so many patients over his lifetime, was that one is born with a predisposition to be gender dysphoric.

However, with inconclusive brain scans and no DNA marker (as of yet) we are left with believing the word of people who need help and only want to lead happy and productive lives.

The best we have been able to muster since Benjamin's death in 1986 was to amass statistics on who gets a boner imagining themselves as a woman which is in equal parts pathetic and disappointing. For this is not really science at all but is instead playing with interview data that doesn't point to anything definitive or conclusive. I have dealt with this problem at great length in my blog.

The whole thing started with Kurt Freund's obses…

looking past cross gender arousal

Jack’s latest Crossdreamers post got me thinking about cross gender arousal and how it could be avoided; also whether it even matters. This with particular focus on the inability to relate of someone on the outside looking in.

You see, sexuality is a very complicated thing to begin with and when you then add gender identity ambiguity it becomes a recipe to really confuse someone.

So imagine that you are a little boy who identifies as a girl but then along comes puberty and short circuits everything by having the sex you identify with also be the sex you are attracted to. For in essence this is what happens to all all male to female gender dysphoric trans persons who are attracted to women.

So I ask myself: can I imagine a scenario where this inherent contradiction would not produce sexual confusion? The answer is that I cannot.

I am in the unique position, like many of you, to have experienced an early identification with the feminine become sexualized later on. This brought confusion…

understanding the erotic component

I have written about crossed wires before in two separate posts. The idea is that one cannot pass through puberty and the development of sexual feelings for females and not have your pre-existing gender dysphoria be impacted through your psychosexual development. The hormone responsible for your libido is testosterone which is present in much stronger concentration in males and is why gynephilics are most likely to experience erotic overtones as the conflict between romantic external feelings and their pull towards the feminine become permanently intertwined.

Because I came from a deeply religious family where sex was not discussed much at all, I grew up with little access to information and was very much ignorant of matters relating to the subject. With no firsthand experience in intercourse until I married I was then faced with the reality that my ability to perform sexually had been deeply impacted by my dysphoric feelings. This began years of turmoil and self-deprecating thoughts …